Famous jazz sexophonist of “Love Supreme”, Robbie Coaltrain, husband of Alice in Wonderful. By Robert Carter: http://thelittlechimpsociety.com/2009/01/robert-carter-new-work-3/







Figures accurate of midday, 27th January 2011.  Kloutscores are constantly changing and can go down as well as up.  To make me larger and easier to read, CLICK ME like in “Alice in Wonderful”.

EITHER Facecook me OR Twizzle me soonforthwith and without using a delay pedal on your electron guitar.  At the time of writing (19th Samantha Janus, Twenty Elevenses) I have risen by 33.3 Kloutscores in a single day on the Excelsius scale.   This takes me to a total of 77.7 Klout feathers in my baseball cap.  That is Tarquinius Superbus but there are approximately 7 billion souls and St.Pancreases on the planet and I need a serious KloutOverdrive as soon as permissive.  My rating in Klout Top Trumps needs to alpha-up because right now I’m less Optimus Prime and more subprime than I want to be to be that is the question whether tis nobler to suffer the Davids, Goliaths or Time’s Arrow of outrageous Fortune 500.  For the love of the cartoon Jerry and Co I need a much bigger medusa raft on the River Influence.

This is a picture of my current Kloutscore.  As you can see, progress is good, but there’s more work to be done.  Come on folks – guide your friends and their cyberships to my charybdis  http://blog.donortools.com/2010/03/31/fundraising-for-nonprofits-analytics-and-all-that-jazz/

Please cook me in your socialnetwok and pass my ingredients on to your socialnetwoks as it is vital for the future of Humanitarianism, International Enlightningment and World Peas that my Klout and two vegetables is inflated as soon as possible.  I have a special recycle pump for that precise purpose here with me but I can’t operate it alone.  I need Facebookings and Twozzles and I need them faster than a pump action Shogun driving out of a car showroom into medieval Japan.  Do not dither, but come from thither and come hither with your zithers and your sprigs of heather and your garlands of lavender.  And, when thou leavest thy crowded houses, bringest with thee the nicest of nice weather.  And make sure thee do never sever thyselves from the finest of fine weather, but that thee doth garb thyself in the raiment of the finest weather for ever and ever.  So don’t bring rain or grumpy clouds with you when you turn up at my door or when you harbour your Mary Rose in my Mary Portas and my Natalie Portman.  Because if you do you’ll see the back end of my portcullis.

PLEASE NOTE: I would like to say a big thank you to my sponsors, Little Jack Horner PLC INC ETC.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS A SHORT EXTRACT FROM MY FORTHCOMING 21ST CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.  I WILL TAKE LONGER OVER THE DICTIONARY THAN SAMUEL JOHNSON DID OVER HIS.  DURING THE COURSE OF THE EPIC PROCRASTINATION I WILL EXPECT MY PUBLISHERS TO KEEP SENDING ME ATTACHE CASES FILLED WITH BANKNOTES SO I CAN SWAN AROUND THE WORLD DINING AT RESTAURANTS AND VEXING THE WAITERS AND WAITRESSES BY INTERMINABLY WAFFLING ON ABOUT MY EXORBITANT AND ROCOCCO $222.5 MILLION PUBLISHING DEAL (please see below) WHILST ACCIDENTALLY DROPPING A LOT OF FOOD ON THE FLOOR.  PLEASE NOTE: As well as being an extract from my forthcoming 21st Century Dictionary of the English Language, this is also an extract from the outline of the forthcoming film “BARON DEVEREUX” directed by ‘Man from Gillingham’ TERRY GILLIAM, starring BARON SACHA BARON COHEN as BARON MATTHEW AMADEUS DEVEREUX-BARON and also starring BARON MATTHEW AMADEUS DEVEREUX in a 7 second Hitchcockian cameo (watering a pot-plant) and featuring a soundtrack by JUSTINE BIEBER, lead singer of electro-bauhaus-tractatuslogicopositivus-lunarclown-noiseprank outfit Ban Drown.  I have taken a leaf out of the books of international supermarket conglomerates and given you two texts for the price of one (I have done this to cut costs because we are living in the middle of the worst economic crisis since paperclips were invented, which led to a Klondike in paperclips, which was disasterous for everybody’s BourseScores).  I have included thirteen extracts below because thirteen is a famously lucky number.

PRE-RAMBLE (You’re probably well advised to skip this bit – it’s the literary equivalent of a loss leader in a supermarket)

This is Countdown. It was created by King Cnut as a way of holding the sea down, which it does very well indeed. The clock in the background, called Bog Ben, shows how high the sea is.  Rest in peace Richard Whiteley.  Richard Whiteley was the original Grand Vizier of Countdown and also the creator of the Whiteley pieces in the game of chess.  The woman on the left is Carol Vorderman and the woman on the right is Darth Vaderwoman.  Both Carols live happily ever after in the Videodrome and send out positive vibrations to the world.  Incredible as it might now seem, all the clothes being worn in this photogrimace were actually legal in the 1980s.   The Grand Viziers of Cnutdown are known as Vowls (because they are normally fieldmice) and they are served dishes on golden platters by contestants called Consonants.  The Consonants are usually cormorants.  On some rare occasions they can be ants that eat kormas.   http://www.ukgameshows.com/ukgs/Countdown

For many years “Countdown“, which in one sense is a words and numbers-based gameshow on Channel 4 in the UK (and in another is a metaphor for the Life of Riley), has had a dictionary corner where a bibliophile has been charged with giving definitions of words that crop up in the course of the programme (currently Ms.Suzy Dentist).  It is a basically aleatory gameshow in that contestants have to compose words out of letters plucked at random.  In that sense, it might be compared to the music of John Cage.  In very few other senses can it be compared to John Cage’s music unless one has muted the sound on the telly.  Although I may never manage to fulfill my childhood dream of being the irritating bloke sitting next to the dictionary-wielding bibliophile who is charged with providing irrelevant and rambling raconteurial filler to tide over the gaps in the rest of the show before the advert breaks, and in the case of ‘Farmer’ Giles Brandreth was charged with wearing jumpers with silly pictures of animals on, I have decided to create a dictionary corner in my own failed cyberspace presence where I will be ripping off Samuel Johnson and Douglas Adams and creating my own dictionary of neologisms to throw into an English language that is already more than over-stuffed with plenty of words and frankly doesn’t want any more coming in in the manner of a country that is worried about its economic future and frightened that an economy is a static, linear, non-dynamic system that works on the basis of a fixed number of jobs and so immigrants who come into that country therefore ‘take’ jobs from that fixed pool without any kind of multiplier effects being in operation.  This is, incidentally, Economic Fallacy no.41 in the forthcoming compendium “Economic Fallacies, Phantasms, Fandangoes, Farragoes and Hocus-Pocus Diplodocus Of Our Time” written by Prof.Joanna Milton-Keynes of St.Anne’s college, Oxford Lunar-Varsity, and out soon on Vincent Cheng Publishing Inc.  Fallacy number one is that we are living in the Greatest Economic Downturn Since People Started Eating Bananas, Riding Pyjamas Or Wearing LLamas instead of living in a time of transition back to a real economy with lots of exciting opportunities if we think and act creatively enough.  This is a very common fallacy which is repeated quite often on television but just because something is said on television does not make it true.  This is particularly true when what is being said on television is a story about how sad and awful life is and how terribly frightened of each other we should be.  I once saw a cow jumping over a button that was eating a moon in an animation on television but I did not then jump to the conclusion that what I had just witnessed was an accurate portrayal of reality.  I personally know about as much about economics as a moon made of buttons but I hear that Prof.Milton-Keynes’s work is becoming increasingly highly esteemed although I have not yet seen her being invited on to talk positively about the future on television very often yet.  Incidentally, all copies of her books come with a free lever so you can leverage your investment portcullis along with a free hedge so you can hog.  It also contains a small glass of liquid to help you increase your liquidity.  Each book also comes with a series of investment tips, so you can make yourself many Doshingtons by taking advantage of Riley good current market opps on your instant trading app such as the taking of Cheryl Coles to Newcastle or the selling of Samuel Taylor Coleridges to Samuel Coleridge Taylors.  Over a pint of Tim Taylor.  Whilst sucking your Tom Thumb.

Although I am totally MAD, I would also like to quash rumours that I am Maria Anastasia Druckenthaner in disguise or that I am secretly the star of the film “Anastasia”.  I would also like to clarify the fact that I have never appeared-morgan’d on “American’s Got Talons” and never will do regardless of any outstanding debts to any taxation authorities.

I have decided to cook a snook at orthodox dictionaries and write my definitions in chronological order (i.e. the order I write them in) rather than in alphabetical order in an adolescent act of anarchism!  Ka-pow!  Take that alphabeticising tyrants who attempt to enforce alphabeticised hegemony on to the world!  Kazam!  Kaboom!  Ker-plunk!  Slam-dunk!  Spam-punk!

Lady Dada! Theo van Doesburg. 1923.

So – have I got news for you.  I have just been informed by the government of a far-flung republic that I have been the lucky recipient of a $222.5 MILLION windfall payment on their national lottery because they like my writing so much.  I was told this morning via email from the President of the republic of Spamicia, President Spam, via his email representicon Gaius Petronius VincentCheng.   $222.5 million is 22.5 more than the 200,000,000 sestertii that the Ancient Yeoman Marcus Licinius Crassus has hived away in his beehive hairdo.  And he was the richest man in the world.  So because I’ve got more than him, that makes me the richest man in the world, even richer than the Sultana of Brunel University, who is now the third richest man in the world now that I am the first richest man in the world and Creases is seconded.  I am also now even richer than Sacha Baron-IceCreamCone who is the richest cultural man in the world according to President Gerald Forbes and the articles written in his magazine by Vice-Pretzel Joe Bison.

The President before, incidentally, was called President Ronaldo Raygun and he was the star of a film called “Start Warts” in which Sir Peter Lely had to paint a portrait of Olivier Cromwell but accidentally painted a portrait of literary critic Sarah Churchwell (who is the daughter of Winston Churchill) with hilarious results that broke all international box office records.  The film was created by the Hungarian literary critic Gyorgy Lukacs.  Incidentally, the Vice-Pretzel Joe Bison comes from Miami, as did the former Vice-Pretzel Dan Quayle-Potatotoe.  This is because all Vice-Pretzels must first have appeared in “Miami Vice” before becoming Vice-Pretzels.  This is so that they can use a vice properly so that when they become the Vice-Pretzel they are able to do woodwork of the very highest quality.  This is because the Vice-Pretzels are responsible for single-handedly making all the chairs that people sit on in the whole of the world, which is an enormous responsibility.   Miami is in the state of Floriana which is ruled by a Maltese Falcon.

So now I will use part of those wongals to emigrate from the UK, which doesn’t have much in the way of prospects apart from some spaghetti trees and a royal wedding that is about to happen between Oberon and a block of Titanium, and I shall go by air mail to live in a playboy mansion in Malibu with the band Hole living in an annexe and playing music whenever I want, on demand, in the manner of a troupe of minstrels to a medieval potentate.  The Malibu pad is going to be such a party central that it’ll make F.Scott Fitzgerald’s gaff in the 1920s look like a public library. I have stopped being an alienated and moaning and grumbling bloke on a park bench and have now become a member of the International Celebrity Aristocracy (ICA).  As a result I am now very close to being close personal friends with other galacticos like Justin Bieber and will not hear a word against them despite the fact that six months ago, on the park bench, you would have heard me swearing more often than Samuel Johnson and moaning on about how little talent the International Celebrity Aristocracy have.  I have now seen the error of my ways and I wish to point out that the International Celebrity Aristocracy do a very difficult job in very difficult circumstances and that the other 177.8 billion people on the planet should genuflect at our altars all day long – it is the Natural Order Of Things (NOOT) and the Great Chain Of Being (GCOB).  And don’t knock us because we make the odd howler.  You try doing a gruelling tour of North Career with Chic Corea and be flamegrilled in 56 interviews a day.  At some point you might blunder and forget the name of a major European nation-state such as Slovakia, Slovenia, Ljubljana, Denmark, the Faroe Islands, Greenland, Leif Erikkson, the European Onion, Monaco, the Kardashian Islands, Milton Keynes or Mila Kunis.  We get tired on tour.  We eat noodles out of vending machines everyday for six months: you expect us to be on the ball every single nano-second of every single day?  You should see the gruel they serve us for breakfast in these so-called ‘five star’ international hotels these days.  None of the waiters or waitresses say “yes sir” or “thank you Your Excellency” because all the waiters and waitresses are actors trying to get their big break and think they are somehow of equal value as you and they don’t act towards you as if they are below you in the food chain now we are in this post-Deference Dark Age.  Try explaining to them the statistics of the situation and the fact that they’ll almost certainly never make it because they just don’t have the talent and should just put up and shut up and be happy with their little humdrum lives because the vast majority of people in human history have had humdrum little lives and lots of them have very much enjoyed their humdrum little lives and see what kind of service you get.  And you try coping with being captured by the paparazzi every time you pick your nose.  Don’t mock us.  Just because you lot haven’t got one iota of the talent that we ICAs have doesn’t mean you can impose your own personal sense of failure on to us through snide comments and lots of swearing.  You’ve either got it or you ain’t.   You ain’t, we have.  You work in factories making sun loungers, we lie around all day on the sun loungers you make.  You put jam in jars.  We open the jars and eat the jam.  That’s how the cookie crumbles and whether you like it or not you’re gonna have to lump it.  And it’s two Mark Heaps of sugar in my tea thank you.  And not too lumpy.  I’m not Humpy Dumpy.


Dammed United

1.  BIEBER-KLOUT. Verb (intransitive or transitive, occasionally transmogrified).  The Bieber is the standard international measure of a person or organisation’s total internet influence or Klout.  It was invented by famous Germans Pierre and Marie Curie one night when they weren’t too busy knocking up becquerels and making the bechamel sauces that won them the Nobel Prize for Making Bechamel Sauces Whilst Listening to Ms Dynamite.    One’s Kloutscore multiplied by one’s Karmascore determines whether one goes to live in a seven-eleven in Devon when one dies or whether one goes to live in a Hotel called El with the entire cast of former UK soap opera “Eldorado” where the hotel heating system is permanently accidentally switched far too high and where Hieronymous Bosch has been hired to do the wallpapering and where the only film ever showing, every single night, is “Barton Fink” by the Coen Brothers.

2.  BIEBOAnimate noun.  Colloquial.  Spoonerism. Biebo is a social networking site established in 2005 which is specifically for beavers.  It is notable for its high proliferation of discussions about the construction of dams, castor sugar, and how to spread the Beaver Work Ethic (BWE) to a human species that has become lazy and passive because so many human beings are suffering from the disease of anthropocentrism.  Many of the beavers are amused, for example, by the way that human beings might discuss an event such as the French Revolution in 1789 from the point of view of human factors and human decision-making (everything from the psychology of Robespierre to the ludicrous long-term debt-financing of the French monarchy to pay for its wars) when in fact it was caused by beavers as retribution for the fact that they kept on being turned into fur coats.  Another prevalent topic of discussion at Biebo is that of Justin Bieber, because a high percentage of beavers are Justin Bieber fans.

Biebo is a rival of TARKOVSKY, the famous social netwoking campsite for otters named after a famous Russian otter.  The most popular topic there is what colour of socks Henry Williamson used to wear and where to get the tastiest tarka dahl in town along with the location of local supplies of cream.

Woody Alien’s film studio featuring Woody Alien, Shirley Wilkes-Johnson, and a Rosneft

3.  DOUGHBOYS AND SLAM-DUNKIN’ DONUTS.   Philosophical Position.  Gerundive.  Neuter. A lot of people laugh at JFK’s “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech because he said “ein” which meant “I am a kind of German pastry” instead of “Ich bin Berliner” which would have meant “I am a Berliner” (a citizen of Berlin).   (subsidiary geographicon note: Berlin is the name of a country in Europe whose capital city is called Germany.  Washington DC-Seattle is the name of a small country in Patagonia whose capital city is the United Council Estates of South Angelica-Bolivar.  Quebecois is a small country inside the lining of Oscar Wilde’s beaver fur coat whose capital city is Canada.  Canada is a small dam inside the Republic of Spamicia).

All the people who laugh at JFK are utterly and totally and absurdly wrong to laugh at JFK.  For one thing, he wasn’t a Berliner, so why should he have said that he was?  That is the equivalent of arguing that JFK should have alighted the podium and told the world that he was a fortune-teller called Doris whose hair was made of yoghurt.  Secondly, what he was saying was that he was one of the founding fathers of the ontological theory that the universe is shaped like a doughnut and therefore has jam in the middle.  When he said that he was a pastry, what he was meant was that he as a human being was a microcosmic version of the macrocosmic universe as a whole (as above, so below, as the old Hermetics used to say, or as Rudy Rucker says today).  Therefore, since the universe is a kind of pastry, that means, primo fascie, a priori, a posteriori, ceteris paribus, and quod erat demonstrandum, that JFK was also a kind of pastry, as am you and I.  All the gaggles of philistines who make it their business to laugh at JFK might like to reflect on the fact that he was able to attract the likes of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy through the pioneering use of the Jam Doughnut Universe Theory (JDUT).   They might also like to reflect on the fact that they are the equivalent of those guys who kept on believing that the sun went round the earth even after Galileo and Copernicus.  Wake up and smell the chai latte: the universe is shaped like a doughnut and has jam in the middle.  The meaning of life is to find the jam and spread it on your toast.  That’s it.  There’s nothing else to it.  You don’t need to worry about whether your nose is half a nano millimetre too long and consider having cosmetic interventionism like I do.  You just need to find the jam.  And if you can’t find the jam, just call Toastbusters in New Yorican – it’s their job to help you find the jam.    Since the universe is a doughnut with jam in the middle and you are a microcosmic version of the whole universe, you have jam in the middle of you.  So finding it is easy.  That is what JFK was saying all along. It’s all very well laughing at the bloke but how are you going to hook in today’s equivalent of Jacqueline Bouvier – telling her your boring stories about your life in your sun lounger factory or wittering on about how you could have been a great basketball player if you’d been any good at basketball or showing her those socks you don’t wash often enough?  You’re just yet another of those guys who doesn’t believe there is jam in the middle of the doughnut anymore because you’ve forgotten what you knew as a kid – that there is the jam in the middle of the doughnut.  Geddouddatown.

4) BEAVER DISORDER.  Psychosocial syndrome.  Declarative Mood. Category error.  Contranym. The tendency to believe that all sorts of things are beavers that are not beavers, such as Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, Jacqueline Bouvier (mother of Marge Simpson), Simon Bolivar, Simone de Beauvoir, Bolivier (a capital city in the United States of South America) or bovril.  At its most extreme, it is a conspiracy theory based on the belief that a small cabal of beavers are in control of the whole world.  Beaver Disorder is particularly prevalent at St.Anne’s college (Oxford University), the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and at the London School of Economics, all of which have beavers as part of their emblems and all of which may therefore be front organisations for the eventual take-over of the world by beavers.  For this reason it is probably sensible that all three organisations are put under twenty-four hour surveillance and have CCTV cameras and nanny-cams installed in all of the ceilings, walls, floors, and every single item of furniture in every room to monitor all the beavers in them whose populations might be going down and in danger of eventual extinction.

“Red Herring” by Archimedes

5) COSMETIC INTERVENTIONISM.  Phrasal Collective Noun.  Protasis.  Stuffed Nonsense. Zero conditional.  Let’s cut the crab because it really doesn’t cut the mustard.  Surgery is a last-ditch act of medicine to help heal a body that is diseased.  Cosmetic ‘surgery’ does not involve healing or medicine and it does not involve disease (I am excluding facial reconstruction after a crisis such as a fire here).  It is therefore a devaluation of language to call it by that term.  Let’s call a club a club and call it cosmetic interventionism.

Example: “Are you going to go and spend $222.5m getting your nose shortened by one nano millimetre in a craven act of narcissism at the Cosmetic Interventionist Clinic this evening, Gene?  Isn’t that a touch selfish, Gene?”

Example: “Baron Matthew Amadeus Devereux-Baron proved himself to be a total hippocrates by going on about how cosmetic surgery is unnatural and narcissistic – and then the very minute he moved to Malibu-by-Hole in Los Angelinas he immediately threw all his money away on sun loungers and cosmetic interventionism to make his nose shorter by one nano millimetre in the surgery of his cosmetic interventionist Dr.Narcissus and his assistant Dr.Goldmund.”

6) RECYCLENoun.  Resultative superlative.  High renown. A recycle is a kind of bicycle invented by Chris Addison in 2010 (in between writing narticles on the defence of satire) that allows the rider to cycle through his or her past or future lives.  It uses a similar principle to that of Marty McFly in “Back to the Future” except that a bicycle is used instead of a Delorean and the recycle is based on the philosophical concept of reincarnation or metempsychosis.   It is not clear whether the grandmother paradox or its counterpart for future scenarios, the grandchild paradox, will prevent people from changing their actions in their past or future lives in a similar fashion to Sam Beckett in “Quantum Leap” in order to help them achieve the nirvana state of finding-the-jam-in-their-middle-and-spreading-it-on-their-toast-and-eating-it.   It is unclear which computer games company will get the tie-in contract to create the Paperboy-style game that accompanies the recycle.  It is also currently unclear whether or not Sam Beckett in “Quantum Leap” was the playwright Samuel Beckett ranging around his future incarnations on a Chris Addison recycle.   In September 2010 it was reported that Sir Clive Sinclair is close to producing a micro-recycle that folds up into itself and can be used by commuters on trains.  At the touch of a button the Sinclair recycle will, apparently, also be able to be morphed into either a Sinclair ZX80 computer or a Sinclair C5 rather like the characters in the cartoon “Transformers”.  Apparently it will also turn into a micro-washing machine and spin-dryer so that commuters on trains can wash their socks during the course of the journey and arrive at work with immaculate drogue parachutes at the same time as travelling back into a past life and clearing up a messy bit of karmascore.  This will be particularly helpful for anybody with poor standards of personal hygiene who is trying to attract somebody who beavers away in the same sun lounger factory.

See also: the conspiracy theory that when local councils urge more recycling they are really in cahoots with Chris Addison and trying to subliminally sell more recycles

This is the European Onion’s recent hosepipe ban in a cartoon drawn by William Holegarth.  http://www.munchausen.org/en/index_en.htm

7) MUNCHAUSEN PUBLISHING.  Concrete noun. Idiom.  Idiot.  Accusative.  Munchausen Publishing is a form of self-publishing fused with vanity publishing with a tiny hint of gonzo journalese where a writer creates webpage after page of writing that almost nobody reads.  He then makes claims as bold and ludicrous as the notion that he has just been given a US$222.5m publishing deal or that he was born on the dwarf planet Makemake in the Kuiper Belt.  It is extremely important to note that for legal reasons when a Munchausenite writer such as Matthew Devereux makes an assertion such as that he will be starring in the next Terry Gilliam film, which will be called “Baron Devereux”, what he means is that he will be starring in a film made by his mate Nigel who has just changed his name by deed poll to Terry Gilliam for £50 at the local solicitor’s.  They will then make the film and upload it to YouTubularBells and their three friends who are also in the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community will watch it.  Their three friends in the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon community will then endlessly tweet and re-tweet the URL of the video to each other, thus breaking the Golden Rule Of Twitter (GROT) that one does not interminably tweet and re-tweet one’s own material as people rapidly tire of such narcissistic self-promotion and avoid you faster than somebody who has just discovered that you are in the early stages of the plague of Justinian.  This can actually lead to a DECLINE in the number of Biebers in one’s Kloutscore not an INCREASE and, in terminal cases, can lead to the worst economic downturn since the meteorite Iridium wiped out the small and medium sized business sector of the Dinosaur Economy.

It is important to make that point for legal reasons in case the famous film director and former Monty Pythonite Terry Gilliam sues the Munchausenite writer concerned, wins the court case, and strips him of his US$222.5m publishing deal along with the shirt off his back.  The only legal defence the Munchausenite writer will be able to put up is that he suffers from Baron Munchausen’s Syndrome which isn’t going to fool anybody because he is about to write the words “Matthew Amadeus Devereux does not suffer from Baron Munchausen’s Syndrome” even though everybody knows that he does.

Example: “My name is Barrel Matthew Amadeus Devereux.  I was born on the dwarf planet Makemake in the Kuiper Belt.  I made up the name Makemake for the dwarf planet Makemake.  I wear a Kuiper Belt in my trousers.  I have just been given a US$222.5m publishing deal.  I will be starring in the next Terry Gilliam film which will be called Baron Devereux and will be set on the dwarf planet Makemake in the Kuiper Belt which is celebrating its’ arch-rival Pluto’s relegation out of the Premier League of Planets to Division 2, the Dwarf Planet division”.

8) DOCTOR FOOTLIGHTS.  Proper Name.  Ablative.  Semi-automatic. Gary Ablett. Doctor Footlights is the name of a nefarious cosmetic interventionist doctor who Lizzie Roper fears may be the death of her.  He graduated from the Cambridge Footlights.  He looks a bit like Doctor Faustus looking in the mirror of Earl Dorian Grey.  He drinks a lot of Earl Grey.  He has featured in minor B-flicks such as “Baron Devereux” directed by Terry Gilliam (aka Nigel Havers) which stars Matthew Devereux as Baron Devereux and Lizzie Roper as the planet Makemake.

Please note: for legal reasons it is important to point out that the Lizzie Roper who stars in the film “Baron Devereux” directed by Terry Gilliam-Havers is not the real Lizzie Roper but is instead Matthew Devereux’s mate Gerald, who is a fellow member of the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community, who has recently changed his name to Lizzie Roper by deed-poll for £50 at his local solicitor’s.  At no point in time has the Real Lizzie Roper asked to be part of this.  The same principle applies to my co-star in the film, Sacha Baron-Cohen, who is not the Real Sacha Baron-Cohen but is instead my good friend from the cunderground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community, Liam, who has just changed his name to Sacha Baron-Cohen at the local solicitor’s for £50.  It is also important for legal reasons to point out that the soundtrack does not feature the music of the Real Justin Bieber but instead is produced by my good friend Bob the Beaver, who is a fellow member of the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community community who has just changed his name to The Real Justin Bieber at the local solicitor’s for £52.50.  Bob the Beaver aka the Real Justin Bieber is the lead singer of a band called Ban Drown.

Val Doonican Man

9) LEONARDO DA FINCHLEY. Proper Name.  Past Participle.  Parts of particles. Leonardo da Finchley is a character in the film “Baron Devereux” directed by Terry Gilliam-Havers.  Because the budget is tight on the film, Leonardo da Finchley will also be played by Gerald aka Lizzie Roper as well as Gerald aka Lizzie Roper playing Lizzie Roper playing the planet Makemake.  In addition, to cut costs, Doctor Footlights, the nemesis of Lizzie Roper, will also be played by Gerald aka Lizzie Roper.  Because we are now in the middle of the worst economic crisis since paper money was first invented, every saving possible has been made on set.  Teas will be served by Gerald aka Lizzie Roper.  The gaffer is Gerald aka Lizzie Roper.  Everybody from cameraman to floor manager to best boy is Gerald aka Lizzie Roper.  The news that Leonardo DiCaprio will be playing Leonardo da Finchley is only correct if my friend Vernon from the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community is able to save the £50 to change his name to Leonardo DiCaprio by deed poll at the local solicitor’s.  Obviously the lack of budget on the film means that it will be impossible for us to create a CGI scene with Vernon aka Leonardo DiCaprio running around a series of platforms dressed as an Italian plumber.

Leonardo da Finchley is a genius who lives inside a council flat in Finchley in north London.  He lives with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hero Mock Turtles who are a struggling electroid-indieclown-lunarmoron-artkrank band.   Leonardo ignores their constant noise, rather like the Russian composer Schnittke, to construct post-relativity, post-quantum, post-string equations based on the new unifying theory of existence, the Jam Doughnut Universe Theory (JDUT).  When he is offered massive prizes for his work he turns them down like Grigori Perelman, the Russian mathematician.  All of Leonardo’s equations come to him at night when he dreams of being an Italian plumber running around platforms collecting mathematical symbols.  Leonardo’s most famous equation, the equivalent of Einstein’s E = MC2, and the equation which solves all questions of existence, including everything from the answer to worrying about climate change to the answer to why socks disappear in the wash, from the beginning of time to its end and its end which is its beginning is as follows:

Badly Drawn Boy + Dan Brown multiplied by Ban Ki Moon divided by Beats Per Minute = Ban Drown


10) DORKING CHICKEN. Modal verb.  Verbiage.  Verdant.

To Dorking Chicken is to initially moan and drone on about members of the International Celebrity Aristocracy and claim they have no talent, only to then completely volte-face as soon as you make it to the echelons of the ICA yourself through your accidental Montgolfier-style and Zeligian ascent to the Big Time.  Once in the ICA ubermonde you then Dorking Chicken by licking the derrieres of your fellow ICA class members and pretend to have been their best mates forever.   The Dorking Chicken is so named because the town of Dorking in Surrey in England contains the highest proliferation of Dorking Chickeners in the world per capita per head per five toes.

Example: “Viscount Matthew Amadeus Devereux really obviously Dorking Chicken’d tonight at the Oscars ceremony when he met Canadian and North Korean singing idol Justin Bieber.  He acted with about as much nous, gravitas and poise as a teenager at a disco.  The paparazzi took a photo of him salivating with excitement and it was instantly beamed all around the world to the masses so they could look at the photo whilst they ate their gruel and waited to go to work in the factories making the sun loungers that Matthew Amadeus Devereux will be sleeping on during the course of today.”

Synonym: To Rob Curling Turnabout.

Confucius: not to be confused with Richard Dorkings-Chickens, famous author of “The Blonde Witch-toker”, “The Shellfish Jeans”, “Honest to Dog by the Right Reverend Reverend John Robinson Crusoe” and other historical thrillers about intelligent devolution centring on the swashbuckling character Rupert Sharpdrake-Shell and his adventures making extra-sensory moons out of telepathic buttons in a small hut in Bruce Chatwin’s Patagonia during the Napoleonic Wars in Sparta.  The Napoleonic Wars in Sparta, incidentally, were caused when a harlequin accidentally tripped over a maypole in a shopping centre called S-mart.  It all kicked off after that because Dave Spart, who ran the shopping centre, howled out “that wasn’t very smart, was it?” leading to the immediate throwing down of a copy of the computer game Gauntlet.

The Napoleonic Wars in Smartcaria was between the Sparts and the Tottingham Hotspurts and was a musical based on the disagreement between the Montagues and the Capulets over who forgot to pick up the suit from the dry-cleaners in Willy Shakespeare’s “Eric Rohmer and Juliet” (Willy Shakespeare is a playwright who also runs businesses such as Shakespeare & Co and the Shakespeare Bed and Breakfast, Lambcaster – though he has delegated the latter to Charles and Mary Lamb).   Unlike the Hundred Years’ War, it lasted precisely one hundred years, and unlike the Great War, it was the war to end all wars, because after that all the comedians in the world formed a union called Equities and Commods and monopolised and impounded all the wars because all the comedians suddenly realised that all wars are complete and utter jokes, though not funny ones, and the comedians realised that they had to get all the wars in the world and put them in a Pandora’s strongbox and tie it up with a charity belt in case all the unfunny jokes (the wars) got out into the world again and then nobody would laugh at the funny jokes (the jokes).  The motto of the Equities and Commods union is “Twitter ye Not too much BUt Ok yES soMetImes you Can TWitter but NOt so mUch You GEt addICTED” and is in honour of Frankly Howerd of Effingham who lived Up Pompeii which is a small town in Germany, England, and spent all his days effing and blinding and exploding like Vesuvius when he left his milk on the aga too long leading to the classic comedy by Willy Shakespeare, “Much Aga About Nothing” whose central character is the Aga Khan playing a game of Othello with a pair of bellows and a radar belonging to the Chic Cargo writer Saul Below and whose opponent is somebody in a dress and a wig pretending to be a woman called Des De-moaner.

Pablo Pikachu: Clown for Leiris.

8) LUNAR CLOWN. Uncountable noun.  Relative Clause.  Santa Claws.    The old story that there is a man in the moon is almost true.  Actually there are lots of them and they are called Lunar Clowns.  Everybody on earth has a double version of themselves on the moon.  This is their Lunar Clown (or in German a Doppler-Effectganger).  There are two meanings of life: the first, as discussed earlier, is to find the jam at the middle of life and spread it on your toast and then eat it.  The second meaning of life is to gradually peel away the layers of unnecessary social pressure and anxiety over what you should do with your life and what you should be until eventually you are simply being your own lunar clown on earth.  This is made a lot easier if we listen to our dreams.  This is because the Lunar Clowns have used a pair of massive stilts to create a kind of astral Giant’s Causeway from the moon to Earth.  Every night they travel through the gaps between the stilts in the Lunar Helicopters invented by Leonardo da Vinci that everybody laughs at because they think that the Lunar Helicopters can’t fly but don’t realise that they are special Lunar Helicopters that continually fly up and down but cannot be seen by human beings.  Then when they reach Earth in the Lunar Helicopters they pass messages and pictures into our ears which is what our dreams are.  Lunar Clowns are secretive creatures and were only first discovered by the eighteenth-century Lunar Society in Birmingham who found them when they made a trip to the moon with Baron Munchausen and Laika the Dog in a hot air balloon made out of laughing gas.  They can only be seen from earth using a telemicroscope which is a device that has Robert Hooke’s microscope at one end and the telescope that Johnathan Swift used to view the Academy of Laputan Boatswains at the other end.  This device allows us to see the very small (a galaxy) and the very large (a grain of sand) at the same time.  The telemicroscope was originally invented by Christopher Cockerill by mistake when he was messing about with a biscuit tin and a vacuum cleaner trying to invent the hovercraft and his concentration got jogged by an astrally projected message from the Lunar Clown of H.P.Lovecraft

ØMG is the name of a keyboard specially adapted for use by Danish pastries in order to write their poems about jam. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Illuminated_keyboard_2.JPG

(who is a hovercraft).  Having said that, Lunar Clowns have once been glimpsed from earth without a telemicroscope, which was by the Danish Her Excellency Empressa Carina JØrgensen one night when there was a full moon.  So the term comes from her and it is a gift to the English language.   In the original Danish, ‘lunar clown’ is ‘Hygge Mangetak“.  And in Danish, which is a language spoken by pastries, the letter Ø is pronounced ‘Jelling Stones’.  This is the Jelling Stone national park, which is where all the birth certificates in the world are written by little Yogi bears using yoghurt as ink.  When they have breaks from writing all the birth certificates the Yogi bears do yoga, go yogic flying, and drink yogi tea and yogi beer.

Luxury Jetstream

Although the true reality of a Lunar Clown cannot be perceived empirically through the human senses (and so Lunar Clowns are, in essence, a refutation of the philosophy of empiricism), they can appear to those sensitive enough to see them on full moons or those with telemicroscopes as creatures that look similar to moomins who wear harlequin garments from the 16th century Italian commedia dell’arte tradition.  Because the Lunar Clowns have to manufacture all the dreams that exist in the world, they are busier than Santa’s elves in Lapland, but when they get time off they enjoy drinking jasmine tea, doing Russian kossak dances to the music of Justin Bieber (which they siphon up from Earth using massive hosepipes) and bathing in the Sea of Tranquility.  Lunar eclipses are special paintings which are the Lunar Clowns’ equivalents of the Sistine chapel and take a long period of time to concoct and then erect in the sky.  The only other creatures on the moon are Mr.Button Moon and his family, Lunar Solenodons, Lunar Celine Dions, and Lunar Selenlions and they all live in harmony with the Lunar Clowns.

The old line that the moon is made of cheese is correct, incidentally, and it is this cheese that the Lunar Clowns live off.  Sometimes they find a nice lunar cherry hidden under their lawns which they have on top of the lunar cheese (this is rare because they are often eaten by a lunar pacman first).  The best aspect of Lunar Cheese is that it regenerates itself like the spaghetti that grows on trees that the BBC reported on in 1957.   It is dangerous for a human who has not put in the work to peel away their layers of anxiety to eat this cheese, however, as the character Sam Beckett out of “Quantum Leap” did, which is why he lost his memory, and had to go round his past lives on a Chris Addison recycle making amends for all the unpleasant things he had done to others during the time when he was writing “Waiting for Godot” and “Endgame”.  Incidentally, every time somebody on Earth moons, moonlights, drinks moonshine or buys mooncups, it is almost certainly because a Lunar Clown leaned down from the moon and whispered directly into their ears.  When the Lunar Clowns get jiggy with it, this is a Blue Moon.  But in recent years this has only been happening once in a blue moon because the Lunar Clowns are so busy working hard making dreams for human beings on Earth who have recently been rubbish at making their own dreams because they have been unimaginative and have kept getting caught up in silly, narrow, closed, frightened and uncreative patterns of thinking such as Beaver Disorder and as a result constantly stopped thinking that it is possible for them to make their dreams into realities so the poor old Lunar Clowns have had to work even harder in their Dream Manufacture pods and remind the Earth Dimensionisers of their dreams every single night.  If we Earth Dimensionisers get more creative and remember that we are all Lunar Clowns after all then the Lunar Clowns will get more time off and can swim in the Sea of Tranquility and Russian kossak dance to the music of Justin Beaver and can get jiggy with it more often.

Incidentally, I have no indication on the rumour currently floating around the tilting rumour windmills of Malibu-by-Hole that the Lunar Clown of Carina Jorgensen was made by royals in a yoghurt shed and that her real identity is Queen Carina Yoghurtson.  I do know for a fact that she drinks a lot of royal teas in her spare time and is never seen without her iPatch on which she listens to nothing apart from “Penny Royal Tea” by NearVana whilst counting all her pennies, farthings and penny farthings and “Milk It” by NearVana which is what she puts in her milkshakes.  Whether she is or is not Queen Carina Yoghurtson is a matter I leave up to Shylock Homes who is a detective who is simultaneously a merchant in Venice and simultaneously an apartment block on Venice Beach and simultaneously Stephen Fry-Up inside a Robert Altman.

Queen Carina Yoghurtson, who is the Queen of the yoghurts, is the lead singstress of the band Hole with Madame Melissa Auf Der Maur playing the Facecook walls, Courtney Love on bass sitar,  Courtney Lovely on guitar, Courtney Pine playing Pinewood studios, Courtney Cox playing a Cox’s apple and the poetic tradition of courtly love on drums.  Obviously if La Roux joined the band then, since the Flange word for ‘red’ is ‘la roux sauce’, Queen Carina Yoghurtson would instantly become the Red Queen that runs as fast as she can in order to stay exactly where she is – Malibu Beach.  Particularly if she had a Baton Rouge in her hands, which is the state that Malibu is in.  Baton Rouges are also what cheerleaders use at sport events, and the collective noun for some cheerleaders is a Boca Raton.  The yoghurts of the world, incidentally, all live in yurts, and their language is the yak-yak.  The yak-yak dictionary is compiled by Clive Anderson who is a lawlear which is a lawyer who only ever constructs legal arguments in sentences taken from Edward Lear poems.

Please note: a baby Lunar Clown is called a moonmin.  The collective noun for baby Lunar Clowns is a moonminimum.  Every time a composer on Earth uses a minim in a composition, it is because a Lunar Clown baby moonmin opened their mouth and demanded some more Lunar Cheese.  Whenever a composer puts in a rest it is because a moonmin yawned and had a rest.

See also: the conspiracy theory that “Moonlighting” with Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd was a piece of propaganda created by the Lunar Clowns to make the Earth Dimensionisers more receptive to their dreams

See also: the conspiracy theory that the moon landings in 1969 were in fact a hoax created in a film studio in Lunarpolis, the capital city of the Lunar Clowns, and beamed to the Earth Dimensionisers on television in order to make it appear that the moon is uninhabited.  This is related to the conspiracy theory that the painting “In The Ocean of Storms” by Alexey Leonov and Andrei Sokolov was also painted by the Lunar Clowns when they were having a cigarette break from creating dreams.  These are numbers 845,732 and 11,220,112 in the Codex of Contemporary Conspiracy Theories, a book by Denisdaniel Diderot-Defoe to be released on Vincent Cheng Publishing INC soon.

This is Peter.  He is named Rodder because he is used in rodding, which he excels at.  He has many satisfied customers.   http://www.traderscity.com/board/products-1/offers-to-sell-and-export-1/heavy-duty-duct-rods-hdpe-conduit-rodder-fish-tape-114430/

12) KENTAUR. Count Noun.  Countdown.  Conditional.  Conjunctivitis. A Kentaur is a kind of centaur that lives in a greenhouse in Kent, which is known as the ‘garden of England’.  It is skilled in the martial art of kendo.  All kentaurs are married to Barbies.  Some say it is distantly related to the Kennedy family.  It lives off Danish pastries that it grows in its greenhouse.  Instead of walking around or running, it canters.  Kentaurs are currently working hard on the creation of a Kentaur theme park with geodesic domes called Kentaur Parcs.   The Kentaur is a gift to the English language from the Danish His Excellency Count Peter Ulrik Roeder who discovered the first Kentaur when he accidentally found out how to channel the Lunar Clown of C.S.Lewis by pressing the wrong button on his TV remote control.  He spoke to C.S.Lewis and discovered that Narnia was far too rationalist a place to wander through a wardrobe into and instead he fell through a crack in his skirting-board into Narnear+.  He now lives full-time in Narnear+ where his left arm has metamorphosised into being a successful shop of photographs called Abode Photoshop which is one form of his manifestation of his lunar clownery.  His right arm has become a successful retail outlet called Potatoshop which sells everything that exists in the world apart from potatoes.   The conspiracy theory that he has sweatshops in his armpits where he employs captured Lunar Clowns on starvation wages is not true (conspiracy theory number 921,635,111 at the forthcoming Codex).  This is propaganda from all the competitors who are unhappy at Peter’s massive comparative advantage through his monopolistic position in All-The-Things-In-The-World-Apart-From-Potatoes who have been forced into the potato trade as a result.  As well as inventing the Kentaur in his yoghurt yurt, Peter Ulrik Rodder also invented the Commodore Bieber4 which is the rival to the other computer in the world, the ZX Electromagnetic Spectrum.  Peter Ulrik Roddaさん is the brother of Australian painter Selwyn Roddaさん.

In the film “Baron Devereux”, to cut costs, the Lunar Clowns and Kentaurs will be hand-drawn by Gerald aka Lizzy Roper rather than being expensively CGI’d or avatar’d as we are in the middle of the greatest economic crisis since a fourteenth century medieval peasant dropped a beetroot on the floor and only had one and a half beetroots left for their salad that day.  Please note: it is very important that you do not listen to any economic lunar clowns on earth at the moment who might tell you that this isn’t an economic crisis at all but is a transition back to a real economy with plenty of opportunities to do wonderful things like set up shops of photographs and make films directed by Terry Gilliam.  If lots and lots of people suddenly start finding the jam in their middle, and becoming their own lunar clowns, something really awful might happen like everybody having a really good time or being really nice to each other or becoming fulfilled and satisfied with their lives which is most certainly the last thing any of us wants to happen.

After all – we all want to live unhappily ever after, right?

Vidal Sassoon. Mary Quant. The 1960s. When there was more Lunar Clownery and Lunar Kloutery per capita per capital city.

13a) VIDAL-HALL. Abstract Noun.  Homophone.  Cardinal number. Vidal-Hall is a bit like a mixture of Toad Hall and the Hall of Mirrors at the Palace of Versailles.  It is a massive stately home that is built on top of a bit of lunar rock that permanently floats in orbit around the dwarf planet Makemake in the Kuiper Belt (which was discovered by Michael Brown and team in 2005).  It is a palace of hairdressing and literature that is run by Vidal Sasson and Judith Vidal-Hall.  People or beavers on earth who do well at manifesting their Lunar Clownery and who are then impressive at cutting hair or writing are astrally transported for a three-year scholarship at Vidal-Hall.  When they return to earth they are brilliant hair-dressing writers or brilliant at writing about hairdressing.  The best one of all wins the Vidal-Hall Prize for Hairdressing Writing which is esteemed as highly as the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Platform 13b, Waterloo Station) KARMASCORE.  Abstract Noun.  Active voice.  Auxiliary Interjection. Karmascore is a term created by Matthew Baron Devereux in his book “The Gambler”.  It reduces the deep concept of karma down to a silly game of pluses and minuses which is based on a vapid and simplistic conception of ethics and is antithetical to the entire spirit of the deep concept of karma.  The reason that Matthew Baron Devereux plays so fast and loose with the deep concept of karma is that he has read no books on the subject and has a very very low personal karmascore.  The karmascore is the points system in the computer game tie-in to the Chris Addison Recycle.  Basically when you help other people, animals, plants, the planet, the Lunar Clowns, or the stars, you get extra karmapoints and when you hurt them you lose karmapoints.  That’s it.  Nothing more to it than that.  People who have a problem with the philosophy of utilitarianism, or its recent 21st century progeny – the attempt to quantify happiness – will find the entire concept of a karmascore equally unsatisfactory, puerile and facile.

Incidentally, Matthew Baron Devereux isn’t a real baron and he elected himself to a baronetcy.  But then was Count Basie a real Count or Duke Ellington a real Duke?  So what member of the International Celebrity Aristocracy are you and what titles will you award yourself?

14) “ACROPOLIS NOW“.  Preposition.  Predicate Pronoun.  Lunar Sea. “Acropolis Now” is a film-within-in-a-film in “Baron Devereux”.  It is a film about a vegan kebab van which saves the planet Earth from impending apocalypse by channeling the advice of the Lunar Clowns on how to solve everything from worrying about climate change to the problem of why so many socks go missing in the wash.  The creators of “Acropolis Now” are three members of the underground-gonzo-beatnik-subterra:neon film-making community who have changed their names by deed poll to Angelos Epithemou, Angelina Jolly and George Michael.  Their vegan kebab van is in the country of Los Angelinas whose capital city is Laracroftia which is in the continent of Californication which is in the astral constellation of Schwarzwaldkirschtortenegger, whose ruler spends all his time eating jello biafra out of a disposable hip-hop and weight-lifting with copies of books by Euripides so he can get his briceps, triceps, triceratops and Bacchus totally Euripped.  They save the planet by writing down the messages they are given from the Lunar Clowns in the form of Angel Epistles which is a new form of writing invented by Angelos Epithemou that are love letters to the Earth Dimensioners.  The theme tune of “Acropolis Now” is “Parthenon And On And On” which is a song sung by the Lunar Clown of the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle to the theme tune of the 1980s Ariston advert in the language of Klingon.  Modulated through a Jennifer Aniston pedal.

Please note: “Acropolis Now” is dedicated to the memory of James Mitchell who was and is a Great Lunar Clown.  Were I John Milton I would write a monody like “Lycidas” to thee.  I am no John Milton, JM, but I have done my best.  Those who knew you and in particular those who made music with you will remember you always.  Colton and on and on, sir.  By rights you should have a state named after you, like Mitchygan, and a city, like Michyana, and a river, like Michyssippi.  I remember you fondly from the Valhallas of Lady Margaret, where we discussed phrenology and the price of plantains.  Let these lines be our own private little Idaho of memories of dear dear conversations – kinsman, cuz and brother.  Paradise is never lost, amigo.

This is a picture of the Caucasus region, which is in west Africa.  This is where all the lovely yoghurts in the world are made, at Loseley in the county of Sorry.     http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Yogurt_of_the_Caucasus_common_Pavilion_of_Expo_2005_Aichi_Japan.jpg

15) “LAST EXIT TO ROOKLYN”. Tense.  Absolute modifier.  Predicate Nominative.  Clattering Nomenclature. “Last Exit to Rooklyn” is a chess book that is sued for lack of sexuality, passion and love in the Star Chamber of the Intergalactic Court of Libel, Slander, Defamation and Degeneration which is housed on the dwarf planet Fakefake in the Kuiper Belt.  The Court takes a very dim view of literature that does not involve sexuality, love, passion, hope, belief, joy or a celebration of life.  The Russian chess player Her Exalted Nobilessa Natalia Pogonina’s “Chess Karma Sutra” is not sued at any point in the Star Chamber.  The court is run by little creatures called lawliars who use Google Translate to make it appear that they speak multiple languages and then use it to send out writs to authors of dull and uninspired and uninspiring books on Earth who are then astrally transported to the dock to explain what on earth they were thinking of.  The motto of the court is “The International PEN is mightier than the swoon.”  The next big trial after “Last Exit to Rookyln” is that of “Lord Chatterley’s Lack of Lover” which is a dull 850 page book about somebody who collects yoghurt pots in a shed which involves no love scenes whatsoever but does involve 850 pages of dense information about yoghurt pots including 850 pages of appendices with graphs showing the diameters of all the yoghurt pots in existence since the 18th century.  The court is very lenient and benign, however, and not particularly censorious but asks simply that the writers of books such as “Last Exit to Rooklyn” and “Lord Chatterley’s Lack of Lover in the Yoghurt Shed” simply throw in a paragraph or two involving two people staring into each other’s eyes and melting into each other like Toasted Lunar Cheese as this is the Third Meaning Of Life (TMOL) along with finding the jam in the middle and putting it on toast and eating it and getting rid of one’s anxieties and fears to become one’s own Lunar Clown.

The current rumour in the willowy wind in Malibu-by-Hole is that Natalia Pogonina’s next book will be an epic chess poem called “The Rubaiyat of Andrei Rublev” which will be about a ruble note’s travels in timespace trying to track down a missing checkmate painted on an ikon depicting the best chess unicorn in the world ever, Kaspy Kapsricorn, who is nicknamed ‘Caps Lock’.

I cannot, incidentally, provide any information as to whether the next child of King and Queen Beckham, the Mayors of Malibu, will be called Rooklyn, Bridge, Cribbage, Sunday Rose, Sunday Rose By Any Other Name, Sunday Roast or Bernard Cribbins and cannot therefore advise you which of these eight potential options to put your stock options on at the bookshakers in order to bring all their milkshakes into your yardstick.

Incidentally, King and Queen Beckham have recently milksheiked the world of international philosophy by developing the Metatarsal, which has replaced the antiquated art of Metaphysics.  Because Metaphysics wasn’t fizzy enough, they made a new ontoloepistemology in their sodastream in Beckingham Palace, Malibu-by-Hole.

The new philosophical system of Metatarsal is very complicated because it is written in the language Metastasis which is very complicated.  An example is “Isabel Losada” which in Metastasis is “Linda Lusardi”.  This is an example of a completely new kind of logic specifically tailored in the Beckingham Palace sodastream using ingredients bought from St.Anne’s college, Oxford Looniversity, made to reflect the so-far-very-logical-twenty first century.


Babbage’s Cabbage Engine.  He used this to solve the game of cribbage.   http://thevictorianblog.blogspot.com/

A Babbage Situation, as defined by Philip Raymond Goodman (in conjunction with his Lunar Clown, Philip Graymond Roodman, who will be appearing in my soonforthing novel “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL”), is one where somebody has created something fantastic or solved a problem but nobody understands it.   It is named after Chuck Babbage, who is the brother of Chuck Norris and famous ham actor Richard Burbage, and they are the sons of Richard Burton, who is the son of Mr.Button from Button Moon.

An example was when the Russian mathematician Grigori Perelman solved the Poincare Conjecture.  He did this when he was living in the sixteenth century next door to the Italian miller Menocchio who was also a polymathical auto-didact and solved the problem of the universe by pointing out that it is made of cheese and worms.   (His neighbour on the other side was Penocchio who worked in the nosegay trade and his friend Geppetto who was a chapati).  Nobody understood what Mennochio was banging on about and nobody understood what Perelman was banging on about either because they were just so far ahead of their timespace so Perelman had to get into a Tesla Volt time machine and travel to the 21st century to show his solution to the Poincare Conjecture for which he was awarded $222.5 million in unmarked Spamician greenbacks which he turned down in favour of a block of lunar cheese instead.  Mennochio jumped into a Babbage Lexus and flew forward into Stephen Hawking’s grotto and whispered sweet noodlings into his earbags about the theory of wormholes in spacetime being made out of fronds of  lunar cheese thus leading to his seminal book “A Brief History of Sage”.

This isn’t a Tower of Babbage. Painting by Peter Bagel with cream cheese in New Yorican city. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e1/Brueghel-tower-of-babel.jpg

A Babbage Situation often occurs when a baseball player is several years ahead of the curveball.   Baseball is the name of a popular game played in Anglorum Minorum which in the United Etudes of Anglorum Majorum, as well as its capital city Milton Keynes, is called roundabouts.  People who have access to magic such as Prosperous, the ruler of the Prof-Isle in Willy Shakespeare’s “The Temptress”, are often very very good at roundabouts.   Willy Shakespeare is not, incidentally, to be confused with the playwright William Shakespeare, who came from Stratford-in-Havers, and lived next door to Nigel from Spinal TARP.

A Babbage situation often occurs when a mothematician, which is somebody who counts moths, starts working on a new abacus which nobody else yet understands.  An example is when the Babble-Oh-Neons starting using the number zero which the Rangers of Sloania had never heard of because they had too much money in their bonk accounts.  A bonk account is an account made by the bonking industry where people can stash their money whilst they visit the Left Bank of the Seine for a cheeky James Joyce in their Lunchalot.  The bonks in Paris are run on different laws, incidentally, called Johns, and the currency there is the Missy Slippy.  I know this because a writer called Homer just sent me a Hemingway with the scheme in a book also based on the Jam Doughnut Universe Theory called “Eccleazy Pasties”.  Mr.Homer has, incidentally, just gone bonkrupt because he wasted too much of his time watching cartoons of Matt Groening groaning and gurning.  But don’t worry, Mr.Homer is a terribly inventive chap and he has just written a new doctorate and invented a new kind of Mary Shelley called the Gertrude Stein and we all expect him to make an awful lot of currency baskets out of it when he gets his glowsticks out and floats it on the exchange rave.

For any film directors reading this, the mise-en-Seine in Paris is second to naan bread.



A Leprichon is a lexicon written by leprechauns.  Like this one.  Once upon a time the highwayman Dick Turnip tried to steal all the leprechauns and all the lexicons in the world but he accidentally got transmogrified into a turnip by an amateur Merlin with a book of smells.  This led to the avoidance of Turnipageddon.

17 inch pizza (Lego-ver).  GOOD WILL SHUNTING.

This is a picture of the playwright Willy Shakespeare at his home in San Diego Maradona. http://media.photobucket.com/image/william+shakespeare+lego+/FlamingPhotoPony/DSC_0184.jpg

Good Will Shunting is a film made by the British Film Industry (BFI), which is a semi-mythical unicorn that somebody once saw in the early part of the twentieth century living in the Land of Lumiere but they might have been mistaken actually on second thoughts as it could have been a deer running through an Uccello painting.  It may be a UFO but only if the soundtrack is by the United Future Organisation.  The BFI is the brother of the BFG, the Big Friendly Giant.

“Good Will Shunting” is a documentary about a bumpkin called Will who works in a shunting yard inside Thomas the Tank Engineer.  He isn’t a genius. He’s a bit slow-witted. He has a hunchback. And a lisp. And a wheelchair. And an eyepatch. And a wristwatch that doesn’t work. And he’s rubbish at his job and is about to be sacked. He can’t add up. He has amnesia and regularly forgets his own name. He has funny teeth that are green. He has too many toes. He keeps chickens in a hamster cage but they keep escaping. He smells bad. He falls over a lot. People think he’s odd. People avoid him in the street. He is frightened of the world so only buys groceries online (although to be fair there are only two and a half greengrocers left in the world anyway).

But a Ukrainian dating site still falls in love with him anyway and they live happily ever after. At no stage does he ever get any better, though, and he never becomes a genius.  He most certainly doesn’t bother becoming a superhero and saving the world, as he wouldn’t be able to do it, and would just make things like global warring even worse.   They have a big fat ancient Athenian democratic wedding involving a lot of plates of meat and other Cockney rhyming slang and a lot of music by Breakage and Tilting Jess Mills.  Then they live together in a small council flat for the rest of their lives in great happiness and every now and again they go and visit the Ukrainian dating site’s family in Byelorussia, the Borsch family (who all are called Hieronymous, which leads to hilarious miscomprehensions) when they have enough chocolate coins in their piggy bonk.

They also spend the rest of their lives shunting and cheese cottaging.  When they’re not busy doing that, they like watching “The Incredible Hunk” which stars Oliver Tyrrell (who is a very famous film star in the Tyrol) as an incredible hunk of bread that saves the world by being bread in a bread-bin and not trying to be anything else.  Everybody is jolly happy after all because nobody needs to solve a kryptonite crossword and become SuperTed anymore because Lex Luther decided to stop being evil and went off to write an interesting little column in the Financial Times’s “Lex” column about the spot price of the spots in Yayoi Kusama paintings and the rise in the price of quality artwork on the worldwide ArtBourse.  Inside the film “The Incredible Hunk” is another film that got lost there called “Inspector Robinson Clue-Sow” about a private detective and his partner Man Friday inside a cellar trying to solve whether or not Peter Sellers short-sold the cellar to a shortbread fingermouse.  They do this using Inspector Morse code and the Lewis chess set inside a computer game set in the British Museum and the Royal Museum in Edinburgh.  Inside both museums CCTV cameras show Steve Cougar playing Alexander and Joan Portcullis playing the pop group Cleopatra in a film called “Fanny and Alexander” set in ancient Grease directed by popular Swede Isabella Rossellini.  In the film, Steve Cougar and Joan Portcullis become very good at a 453 dimensional boardgame invented by Isabella Rosselini called Iago.  The tagline for the game is “IAGO – OFF YOU GO.  IT’S MY GO!”  The British Museum is not to be confused with the Brattish Museum which is a super-club where all the brats of the new literature go and hang out and narcissistisise themselves to each other whilst dressed in fluorescent raiment with glow-sticks attached as antennae to their heads.

Inside one of the boxes inside one of the cabinets inside one of the museums is Bryan Adams singing “Everything I do” which was the title track from the film “Robin Hoody and the Price of Cheese” which was about a bloke in a hooded top who fell in love with a woman called Marion during the short-lived rule of the Sheriff of Rottingham Borough and King Constantly-Going-To-The-John-Because-He-Had-Such-A-Weak-Bladder.   It features John Cleese as Friar Tuck Shop and the immortal line “Brian Blessed are the Cleesemakers” and is directed by Mel Buddenbrooks, the famous Hollywood director who only ever wears tights that are too tight for him in order to show off his Errol Flynns.

“Good Will Shunting” was written by Willy Shakespeare.  In five hundred years’ time some people will argue in books that Willy Shakespeare might have actually been Willy Fogg, the Earl of Oxford, after all.  Willy Shakespeare’s most famous line is the immortal line “To Bieber or not to Bieber – that is the question” which is from his play “Hamnet” which is about a world with something called the internet that is clogged up with a massive fog of ham acting.


This is an innocuous picture with no subtext, subplot, ulterior motives or greater significance in the film “Baron Devereux” whatsoever.  I have included it on a purely random and arbitrary basis.   It was drawn by Carina Yoghurtson.  The title of the picture is not Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

This is what I used to make my $222.5 million.  Time travel arbitrage is the taking advantage of market movements by going back in time (for example in an H G Wells Insight or a James Clark Maxwell Prius or a Tesla Volt) armed with knowledge of market movements which you then make money on by investing based on that knowledge.  Personally, the majority of my time travel arbitrage has been done on the international COMMODUS markets.  These were the commodity markets set up by the Roman Emperor Commodus one morning in 184 AD when he slipped on an Archimedes computer in his commode after having watched the Commonwealth games on the Tell-a-version and shouted “Eugh!  Reeka!” because nobody had cleaned out his commode for eight weeks.  Through the BUTTER EFFECT and CHAOS THRENODY, this cry then woke up a sleeping comma butterfly in Malaysia who dreamt about the philosopher Chuang running a zoo where a komodo dragon one day developed the world’s first cotton exchange after he had spoken to the character Dot Cotton from the soap opera Eastenders on the Telemachus and she told him she needed some wool for her beautiful launderette but couldn’t buy any because there was no international commodity market.  It may or may not be true that Commodus did this because he had had one too many gins the night before – we simply don’t have the evidence as the Roman historian Tacitus was silent on the matter because he had too many tic-tacs in his mouth and therefore couldn’t say a word on the subject of Jupiterus Communis, which is the name of a planet waiting in a line at the Post Office next to Makemake.

So this is time travel arbitrage.  Take, for instance, the price of gold over the past decade. I recently went back in an HG Wells Insight and appeared at the Court of the Exalted and Enlightened President of Spamicia and told him that gold prices were going to rise steadily throughout the 2000s as a store of value in uncertain times.  He then invested and I returned to 2011 and so delighted was the wise and munificent El Presidente that he has just, as I mentioned, wired me a $222.5 million book deal.

And I have, naturally, just spent $222.5 million of it on some new sun loungers from an internet auction site.



Wikispeedia was a short-lived online user-generated encyclopaedia set up by the Lunar Clown of Denis Diderot in the 45th century FB, unfortunately only one nano-second before the meteorite Iridium hit the earth and wiped out all the social networks and online encylopaedias in the world leading to the beginning of the Age of the Dinosaurs.  Wikispeedia was composed of entries only written by people with the name Jimmy who had acted in or worked behind the scenes on the film “Speed”, along with entries by the Lunar Clown of Jonathan Swift, and all entries were written in Welsh, which is a language invented by Hermann Melville.

This is the exciting young female French pianist Lisa Stansfield de la Salle A Pret A Manger.  You can tell she is female because of her long hair.  This is the same method I used for choosing my wife.  I am very happy with her although she has quite hairy hands.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/René-Robert_Cavelier,_Sieur_de_La_Salle

20.  “GULLIBLE’S  TRAVELS”.  After throwing his $222.5 million book deal down the drain on the ephemeral, evanescent and hedonic pleasures of sun loungers, and after hawking his proposal for a grandiose  film called “Baron Devereux” around all the studios, boulevards, bourses, concourses, arcades, avenues, slot machine parlours, bordellos, boarding houses, boardrooms, bar-rooms and bard colleges of Hollywood, a production company finally accepts His Imperial Lardship Matthew Amadeus Devereuxian’s script but then rips it to smithereens and creates a silly film from it called “Gullible’s Travels” where a central character who is a travel writer called Gullible has a series of mishaps and palavas involving lipstick and slapstick before eventually ending up inside Kate Joynes-Burgess’s Belize.  The only joke in the film is that Belize (which is a small country inside a beaver) sounds like “believe”.  The soundtrack is by EMF.  Gullible is played by Ten Danson dressed up as a medieval knight from the South Bronx riding a mule called Lemuel Amadeus.  He ends up living in a room in Kate Joynes-Burgess’s Belize with the French pianist Liszt de la Salle, which means Lise Of The Room in Frenglish.  Their neighbours are the Belize Blues Brothers who help visitors to Belize from places like Europe overcome their winter blues by singing them beautiful songs all day long.   Just like Marcel Proust’s room, the room they live in has walls lined with the hats with corks coming out of them that you get in New Zealand, whose capital city is called Austrolopithecus.  They end up living happily ever after with children called Sally de la Salle, Salvador de la Salle, Salman de la Salle and a salamander called Salamander de la Salle who works in the salvage industry.  In their spare time they grow plastic salmon on bonsai trees.  When they go on holiday they go to Bondi Beach and do just what they please.


Legover’s Travels is a risque film-within-a-film inside “Baron Devereux” involving a character called Legover who is made of Lego and is incapable of keeping his trousers on as he journeys around Europe – with hilarious consequences including a faux pas with some faux pasta made out of plastic which he mistakes as a Lego woman much to the delight of the Italian gendarmerie.

20.999999999   GLORIA BEANBLOSSOM.

A Gloria Beanblossom is a type of drink drunk by Sarah-Janes which is the name for women who live in Stratford-upon-Havers.  It is a drink made at home using a special kit called a Kit Henderson which is made out of a new shape called a Delfino Square.

21.  “KLOUTAGEDDON”.  (Noun, intransigent).

Kloutageddon is the film that comes out in the same week as “Gullible’s Travels” (made by the team that made other popular apocofilms such as “Deep Apocalyptic Impact”, “Armageddonicon”, “Ragnarok and Roll” and the Krautrock apocofilm “Apocalips Neu” which focuses on a lipstick factory in Dortmund on the day of the apocalypse).  It stars famous Hollywood stars and is about the end of the world because of the meterorite Iridium hitting the social networking sites and wiping out everybody’s Kloutscores.  It totally steamrollers “Gullible’s Travels” off the box office map leading to Matthew Visconti Amadeus Deverox returning to his former life as a collector of meaningless words on Nabokovian index cards at his local public library in Woking, Surrey, Anglorum Minorum, and compiling small lexi.coms that nobody ever reads.  His only achievemen is that he once got the library staff to pipe Natalia Morozova piano pieces over the library intercom for a couple of hours on a quiet Thursday morning when it was only the OAPs and the jobseekers in the library.

22)  LITLIT (Thorn in side.  Pain in backside.  Nothing whatsoever to do with the Dunlap broadside).

Litlit is literary litigation.   As an example, there was the famous court-case in the 45 century FB when everybody from Ring Lardner to Matt Hughes to Billy Connolly sued Matthew Amadeus Devereux for using the title “Gullible’s Travels” which he genuinely thought he had made up himself when he was out for a walk in the park until he got back home and checked Wikimedia.  Matthew Amadeus Devereux does not really understand the concept of litlit because he thinks the history of literature is open source.  Unfortunately this leads to other writers constantly stealing his ideas because they know he has no idea how to send a litlit writ.  An example is the idea of a Kloutscore Top Trump game which Matthew Amadeus Devereux just wrote in this sentence (without yet contacting the Klout people) which you just read in this sentence leading to you contacting the Klout people and suggesting it in the next fifteen minutes leading to you and the Klout people making Kloutscore Top Trumps and making lots of doughmeisters without giving a penny farthing to Matthew Amadeus Devereux who won’t even then manage to produce a litlit writ against you to claim his royal teas.


Allaballaboolee! is the new word for when somebody has uncovered money, such as somebody who has a treasure map like in R.L.Stevenson’s “Treasure Island” or the pirate in Janet Elaine Smith’s next book.  It was invented by one of the Warmans (from out of the famous film “Hannah and her Sister“) in 2011.  It is the noise made by Willy Wonga, who lives in an Etruscan chocolate hotel (which is actually just a front organisation for a massive chocolate factory), when he wants to call his chocolate factotum to come and take notes on an important matter of hotel policy such as whether to turn the golden globes into King Midas or into the Yellow Brick Road instead.

Allaballaboolee is also the name of the capital city of the country of DOSHINGTON DC which is where all the money in the world is minted by a man in a hat at a restaurant called the Fedora Reserved and where all Martin Amis’s novels are washed.

This is a Buzanite mind map of the country of Shackson showing all major topographical features including the River of Heroclitus. It was photographed from a space station called Waterloo space station by an astro-sodastream who lives in a giant Toby jug called Philpott.  A ‘philpott’ is the Welsh word for a pot plant playing dubstep at a frequency only audible to canines which dubchess players often put next to themselves at the dubchess board in order to distract their opponent with quality muses.  Tupac Shackson, the Queen of Shacksonia, is the Duchess of Dubchess.  Next to the River of Heroclitus you can see Mount St.Helicon which is an active statovolcano.  A statovolcano is a volcano made out of statistics and other dammed lice.  Mount St.Helicon, which is in the city of Sub Pop next to the River of Grunge, is where all the poetic muses in the world live and they radiate out telepathic wavelets of poetic inspiration which keeps the entire planet amused, bemused and every now and again C-mused, which is when a poet is amused by somebody whose first name begins with the letter C.

Allaballaboolee is the name of pukkachef Jamie Olivier’s restaurant in Turkey where delicious dishes called twizzlers are made in his massive Istanbuls and where he has a constantinople supply of happy costumers.  He got the recipe from his best mate Bernard Cribbins of Clairvaux who is a clairvoyant which means that he has visions of eclairs floating around in the sky.  Jamie Olivier is the son of the famous ham actor Laurence Olivier who starred as a piece of ham inside a tin of spam inside a production of “Spamalot” in “Hamnet” and they are both the paradoxical grandchildren of Olivier Cromwell.  In his restaurant all the musical entertainment is provided by the artist formally known as Tupac Shacksonwho plays the juice harp in her new musical genre of Juju.  She is currently at number one in the Klouts with “Shuttlepuck Cafe” which is a song all about a midsummer night when Willy Shakespeare couldn’t get to sleep because he turned over and tossed all night long.  This was because he had a tempest but had unfortunately lost his thermometer inside his Hathaway.  Tupac Shackson lives inside the country of Jimmy Wales.

When he isn’t busy double-book keeping the number of crown Jools in the manilla envelopes in his Narnia wardrobe, Jamie Olivier enjoys solving ancient riddles such as the cat and the diddle of the fiddle, the mystery of the missing Ban Drown book sales, and the real identity of the painter of “The Bieber and the Miley Cyrus” which turned out to be a small cello called Botty inside the Cyrus cylinder inside a Baked Alaska inside Michael Palin in the National Museum of Cyprus under a cypress tree.  Because he solved that one, he is in the Miley High Cyprus club, which is the club of people who get an iHigh when they listen to a Miley Cyprus album.  Michael Palin, incidentally, is the son of famous celebrity literary critic Tom ‘Tarpaulin’ Paulin.

24) PROF-ISLE.  A Prof-Isle is an island run by ninja looniversity professors who give out daily social networking status updates which are intellectualised and have high AestheticScores and CulturePoints  in order to raise the total Global Culture Quotient (GCQ).


Brian Enoeno is the name of the recent person created by the merger and acquisition between Brian Eno and the English National Orchestra (Eno) on the CultureBourse.  There are currently possible rumours of a merger between Brian Enoeno and his caveman alter ego whose only language is “Ugh” and who is called Brian Enough.     This would potentially lead to Brianenoenough, which might have to be abbreviated to Brianclough.   In the light of his new album, Enoeno equities are on the rise at Warprecordspeed.  Hold.

26)  FB (F sub b = M(Y)/I)

FB is the name of a social netwoking site engineered specifically so that bending strains can get together and share pictures of each other eating ice-creams on holiday in Torremolinos.  The social netwok FB was invented one lightbulb moment by Marcus Aurelius Zuckerbug at a looniversity that is very hard to get into called HardVard.  It is hard to get into because it is guarded by gargantuan aardvarks.   Marcus Aurelius Zuckerbug spends his time writing his Meditations and pottering about watering his massive menagerie of bugs in his greenhouse which is the size of Burkina Faso.   Inside his greenhouse he also keeps the Estowneon composer Arvo Part who stowed away inside a ship called Ellis Island.  Arvo Part plays music using inert gases such as neon on a Great Highland Bagpipe every single arvo which means morning in Australian.  This is Marcus Aurelius Zuckerbug’s alarm clock.  Arvo Part eats nothing but pears off a giant pear tree made out of recycled Alan Partridges.

27) LOONIVERSITY (Noun.  Tuition fees.  Tuition frees.  Tuition freeze).

Just a piccie.  Nothing to do with Westwood and McLaren’s shop.

A looniversity is a university run by Lunar Clowns.  They usually do this undercover in the form of ninja professors.   Subjects include rhetorical hermeneutical dialectical quadrivium trivial pursuits, forward rolls, bread rolls, and ninja jumps through timespace and cheesewormholes.  Students do not have to pay a red cent or a pretty penny when they enrol but that is only because the looniversities are funded by lunar cheese.  The overall panjandrum of all the looniversities is Don Quixote and his sidekick and servant-at-ease Sancho Pansy who is secretly Viola from “Twelfth Night” and is secretly in love with the Lunar Clown of Orson Welles (she has gone all cuckoo clock over him like a giant Swiss cheese).   Don Quixote’s best mate is called Don Juan but he only got a third class degree with humours instead of honours because he was so busy using his garden rake and his horsepipe in cheesewormholes.

Instead of mortarboards, ninja professors wear Jon MorterBoards which magically allow them to rage against their washing machines when their washing machines eat their socks.  This is done in conjunction with Jon MorterBoard’s accomplice and partner-in-mime, Dick Tracy MorterBoard.  The rumour in Malibu-by-Hole is that Dick Tracy MorterBoard may be a robot that was made out of a recycled motherboard although I have no intonation on whether that is true or not.

The looniversity in Milton Keynes is run by ninja professors called MK Dons.


Chic cargo are goods and services produced in Chicago and then exported outside Chicago.  They include the popular muiscal Chicago, the popular font Chicago, the popular musical font Chicago and the popular jazz instrument Chic Corea.  They also include the collected works of the writer Saul Below, which were never published in his lifetime because they always remained below the radar.  This was because he never worked out how to create Montgolfier hot air balloons and so never figured out how to make his books go above the radar.  Everybody in Chicago wears amazing hats such as Fedoras, Fedora Expresses, Cabbage Tree Hats, Akubras and Zucchettos.   The reason for this is that above the gates of Chicago are written the words “The whole shadow of Man is only as big as his hat” which were wise words written by Elizabeth Bishop, who invented the bishop in the game of chess from her chic apartment in Chicago whilst wearing a spiffing Anthony Eden hat and simultaneously reading “East of Eden”.

Chicago is next to Indianapolis which is named after Indiana Griff Rhys Jones.


Pokemoan is the noise made by a bending strain when it gets poked by another bending strain at social networking site FB.

29 addendum Adirondacks) TO OBLOMOV

To Oblomov is to stay in bed whilst chattering cabbages and kings made out of shreds and patches on a social netwoking site with your laptop in your lap.  Oblomoving is fun but if you oblomov too much you might become an otaku (おたく) and then fail to hook in your Jacqueline or Jack Bouvier.  When you finally get out of bed and find your Jacqueline or Jack Bouvier and eat dates with them on a date, you will then have Goncharov’d which is the Russian word for Гончаров’d.  Which you can discuss, along with the rest of the history of Russian literature, with your Jacqueline or Jack when you get back into the sack and take off your sack-cloths.

29 addendum 1.1)  PERCHING-KO

Perching-Ko is a pachinko parlour specifically for birds.  They are now found around the world and are run by a number of different companies.  The two companies with the highest current BusinessKlout are Aristophanes & Hitchcock and their main rivals the Kingston Parakeets, a perching-ko company that escaped from the Ealing film studios in London.

29 plus a bit more for luck)  TO REMARQUE

Remarques are sentences made by people to make peace rather than instigate conflict.  They are named after Erich Maria Remarque who was named after the Rue de Remarques in Paris.  His work was truly remarquable.   Sentences spoken by people to create global warring are not remarquable.  They are what go in dustbins.  You can put them in shredders too, but only when he’s not in cartoons about turtle conservation and hero ninja conversation.

This graph shows the total number of nozzles multiplied by the total number of frizzels added to the naggles and the draggles and the sozzles and the rozzles and the drizzles, trizzles, hizzles, mizzles, mazzles and mistletoes, between 1753 and 3rd June 2007 in the city of Baked Alaska, Memphisto.   As you can clearly see from the graph, the massive collapse at the end, which is known as a V-neck jumper and is made out of a kangaroo, shows that we are in the greatest nozzle recession since somebody drank a cup of juice out of a straw.  If we’re not careful, it could lead to somebody putting bits of cucumber into a double-dip and then eating the cucumber, which might lead to main course and dessert over candlelight which might lead to going back to the other person’s house and having a nice cup of coffee and a chat and then melting into their lunar cheese which would obviously lead to the markets getting into a state of panic thus leading to another song being written by Morrissey thus leading to more Morrissey record sales thus leading to an economic cucumber.   The only possible stock option left to humanity is to put all our panic into a Richard Branson hot air balloon and fly it as quicksilver as possible off to the planet Mercury and even that might not be enough to save us setting up all sorts of extremely intelligent and well-run small and medium sized businesses which provide genuine, ecologically sustainable and intelligent employment to vast numbers of people in our local communities.


This is a new type of calculus developed simultaneously by two ninja professors living in two separate Prof-Isles, Mr.Isaac Leibniz and Mr.Gottfried Neutrino, who received it in dreams created by Professor Cuthbert Calculus.  The crucial advance made by the two professors is the addition of DEPTH to the calculations along with BREATH.  So statistical-cool calculus is a new way of calculating your total Kloutscore by feeding in your websites along with quadrillions of other websites into a giant supercomputer called New Tron who then gives you your overall Kloutscore in Biebers and the new alternative measurement of Klouts created by another ninja professor called Anders Celh-Nasdak which is the Excelsius scale.  The Bieber scale is used in the United States of Anglorum Majorum whilst the Excelsius scale is used in Anglorum Minorum.  This is perhaps because everybody in Anglorum Minorum is still living in the days of the Isla of the Bobby Fischer Queen and King Arthur and his ambrosia, and they all carry around Excaliburs with them.  As well as carrying Excaliburs wherever they go they also frequently have picnics in parks and they get there riding on their Boorman and McGregor time travel motorbikes.  The reason for the high proportion of picnics is that they Lunchalot.  The reason why they are able to Lunchalot and still go to the office in the afternoon is that they no longer Gin-aver because all the gin in all the palaces in all the world has been turned into juniper by alcoholic mists in yoghurt sheds.  This is because of the work of genies and geniuses who take gin out of bottles and then leverage their junipers on the international Commodus.

Next to Anglorum Minorum is a very small country called Flange.  It is called Flange because all the people there eat flan that they cook in giant woks called Flange pedals.   Their word for ‘flan’ in their language is ‘elan’ which is why they are so suave all the time.  Instead of spaghetti, they grow cheese on their trees.   And instead of going to Lunchalot, the people put balls in boules in bowls.  Because they have so many boules, their film industry is called Bollywood instead of Hollywood.  They all have funny names like Asterix, Obelix, Goscinny, Uderzo, Udderzo the Cow, Rikki from Lake Gervaise, and Devereux and they drink potions out of cauldrons called Getafixes that make them permanently very poetic, elegant and well-dressed.  They also Empalot.  Some people think this makes them better at empathising with each other.  Others think it leads to a frequent Rabble-lay.


A spot price is the price of a stock (such as stocks in Brian Enoeno) measured in the number of spots on Spot the dog’s face.  A stock can also be measured by the number of cabbages thrown at a Babbage wearing a stocking and enstocked in a medieval stocks.

Where there is a stock crash and panic selling, this leads to a collapse in the spot price and a resultant clearasell.  A sudden rise in the spot price, particularly at Warprecordspeed, may lead to a SuperTed.  But only if SuperTed is speaking at a Ted conference.

An example is the recent rise in the spot price of Sara Pascoes, which are a type of stuffing invented by John Crampton and Jeremy Paxman in 1901.  Sara Pascoes also starred in the 1999 stamp album “Being Human” which was collected by Michael Peterson.  In her spare time, when she isn’t busy stuffing, Sara Pascoe likes to write fake sentences at her Wikispeedia profile such as “things did not go to plan as the show was poorly reviewed” about her show at the Edinburgh festival (which is a literary festival inside a haystack inside the wrestler Giant Haystacks inside a painting of the Hay Wain by John Police Constable) in 2010.  Since the show was brilliant and everyone loved it, this is yet another example of the humility of Sara Pascoe who never ever wants to boast that she’s the best kind of Paxman stuffing in the world even though she blatantly is.  She regularly plays a massive 352 dimensional boardgame she has created called the Jeu d’Ego which has a second level called the Jeu d’Esprit when one has vanquished the end-of-lever-guardian in Jeu d’Ego.

A spot price is not to be confused with a SPOT THE BALL COMPETITION which is illegal in 48 states of consciousness.

This is a short sell. It is not to be confused with a Soft Cell, because it doesn’t have any almonds in. As I mentioned above, I am very happy with my new wife apart from her hairy hands.  And she also has shortbread fingers, but Doctor Frankingstein says that’s nothing to worry about in a woman, so long as she keeps them in her Narnia wardrobe.  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Shortbread_fingers.jpg

A spot price is also not to be Confucius’d with SHORT-SELLING, which is where shortbread is sold by somebody to somebody else at a garden fete.  A linguistic example might be “I went to the garden fete and saw the chess player Nigel Short being short-sold by the chess player Nigel Davies.”

Short-selling has recently been banned by the European Onion because too many people will go bonkrupt if they buy any more shortbread and the bonks will have to get the people by the short and curlies thus leading to a short-circuit and the BONKING BAIL-OUT OF THE WICKETS.   This is what happens in a game of cricket where your wicket is sticky like a stick insect and, like ALI G and his comic creation SACHA BARON-CONEHENGE of the SEAMAN STAINS MASSIV, you have insured, like the BFG, that you are TOO BIG TO FLAIL.  A game of cricket is a game played in Anglorum Minorum by crickets when they’re having a break from chirping by rubbing their cricket bats together.  Like almost everything else in Anglorum Minorum, cricket is a game with about 18.4 quadrillion silly rules and complex laws that are so complex that not even cricket players have any idea of what on earth they are doing when they play it.  Which leads to a lot of flailing about, which is why the game of cricket is too big to flail, particularly as it is so popular in places like India Ink and Pakistan.

Nigel Long (no relation of Nigel Short, the chess player) starred in “Spinal TARP”, directed by Paul Volker-Wagen who lives on Capital-Hill.  This was a film-within-a-film about a tapdance troupe composed of Yoricks in ancient Sparta who have to go around the whole of Sparta sporting merrily in order to remind the Spartans to take all their armour off and put their swords back into the swordfishes from where they came in order to ensure World Peas.  World Peas is ensured when the Yoricks end up getting chased by women without many clothes on in an example of political correctness gone mad.

Spinal TARP is inside Marlow’s onion narrative inside Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” which was a book-within-a-film in Sofia Coppola’s “Apocalost in Translation” which was a detailed documentary about the history of the Japanese alcopop industry during the Tokugawa Shogunate where exciting new technology created by Sir Clive Archimedes and his sidekick Eureka Jonsson allowed the audience to reach into the screen and pull out alcopops and popcorn to eat and drink whilst watching the film in the sinnydrome.  That was in the old days though, when we only had 3D cinemas.  Now we have 5D cinemas for the five elements and these are called sillydromes.  The collective noun for sillydromes is a Kermode.  It is usually eaten with a bit of Mayo as a condiment, but only in Ireland, and only by Dogzilla, and only when Dogzilla is playing Sim City.  The Emperor of all the sillydromes is called Megalodeon and he is a wise and kind Emperor whose chief secretariat is called Steve Alten.  They keep a pet Loch Ness monstrosity who is also very kind and nice and is called Untouchable.

31 and a half.  TO CHARLIE CHAPLIN

This is when you are in the process of being and becoming the Charlie Chaplin of your era.  Sacha Baron Icecream-Cone is currently Charlie Chaplinnng.  It is not to be confused with the verbs to CHEECH AND CHONG or to PHOOEY IN HONG KONG.

31 and three quarters.  OFFENC

Offenc is the offence that is caused to somebody by satire, such as the offenc caused to people by the greatest satirists of all time such as Gaius Petronius, Johnathan Swift and Chris Morris.  In the grand scheme of things, offenc is of no importance whatsoever as it is the only the size of a quark that got accidentally cut in half by an inadequate rookie magician.


A frieze of Julio Seize. Before he boobied, his bonk ruptured and he went bust. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:0092_-_Wien_-_Kunsthistorisches_Museum_-_Gaius_Julius_Caesar.jpg

A frmentor is a friend and mentor.  Often they are a member of Mensa. Sometimes they feature in the film “The Odder Sea” which is a film within a film in “Baron Devereux” where the hero Julio Seize has to get back home to Ithaca, New Yorican, after spending ten years as a Fenugreek counting Goldie records and Goldie Hawns by the troy ounce inside a pantomime horse.

His mission is to find Penelope Cruz and tell her to stop knitting a three piece suitor.  When he does this, the whole world is saved from falling down the plughole of Penelope’s bath-tub as a result of Eddy Temple-Morris’s friends leaving the tap on again.  This features the immortal line “Laertes off the knitting, Penelope”, which Julio Seize says to Penelope on the Telemachus, the new telecommunications device allowing us to contact people in the future and the past.  Since the frmentor is a word invented by Ellie Miller (who is the wife of the Italian miller Mennochio), the frmentor also features prominently in the film “The Miller’s Tale” which is a film-within-a-film in “The Odder Sea” featuring Terry Chaucer as Terry Jones and the city of Canterbury dressed up as a tail.  It also features a Potemkin village dressed up as Catherine the Great’s pantomime horse with Caligula at the other end and Richard III stuck in the middle with the Earl of Sandwich.

A frmentor is not to be confused with a fermentor, who is somebody who has a homebrewing kit in their yoghurt shed and who regularly Dennis Potters off to it and alchemises alcohol into grapes, hops, barley, malt, juniper, rye, wheat and pulque in order to take advantage of avocado opportunities on the international Commodus markets.

A frmentor is the polar opposite of a tormentor.


A rowling is a row in the literary world between J K Rowling and Matthew Amadeus Devereux over the sentence “Parry Hotter woke up one morning and discovered first that he had been changed into a giant beetle, then into a giant kaftan, then into a giant magical mystery tour by the Beatles” which may or may not be the opening line to the film “Baron Devereux” depending on whether J K Rowling decides to litlit Matthew Amadeus Devereux or not (if she does she’ll win because she’s got Allaballaboolee on her side and he only has his mouse, his laptop and a Wikipedia link to an entry on Boolean logic in his defence).

Hopefully the litlit can be avoided, and so can the sending of the writ, as Matthew Amadeus Devereux is willing to settle out of curt and sacrifice all references to his incidental character Parry Hotter.  This would not be a major problem as “Parry Hotter” is just a very small film-within-a-film inside “Baron Devereux” involving a character called Parry Hotter who lives in a bedsit inside a bar in Potter’s Bar and has a series of hilarious mishaps when he is an acid and an alkali and has to get himself past his adolescence and become more balanced, turn into water, and save the world from an agronomist.  This can easily be cut from “Baron Devereux” on litlit grounds with no major loss to the overall revenues of the film itself.  It doesn’t involve a comprehensive non-boarding school in Milton Keynes called Hogwash where people have to pass N.E.W.T.O.N. exams and it doesn’t involve a game like Hermann Hesse’s Glass Bead Game called Quidditas because this might engender litlit.  It also doesn’t feature the only joke in its script which is “It’s elementary my dear Wemma Hotson, the school you are attending is elementary” because this might engender litlit from the Lunar Clown of King Arthur Conan the Barbarian.

Matthew Amadeus Devereux hopes that a Rowling with J K Rowling can be avoided as he would like J K Rowling to star as a writer of books about the history of yoghurt, yoghurt pots and yoghurt pot-plants in Roald Dahl’s yoghurt shed in the country of Dennis Pennis Potter in the film “Baron Devereux”.  I want that footage to be intercut in an Eisensteinian montage with footage of me writing a shopping list in Virginia Woolf’s yoghurt shed in Monk’s House, Sussex, Anglorum Minorum.


An Opera Winfrey is an opera written by a bar of soap.   It is usually performed at the New Yorican Met by the AmerigoVespuccian footfall team the New Yorican Jets.  The scores are all beamed live and direct via the New Yorican Jetstream which is the little sister of the Gulf Stream.  At no stage does a character called Piers Morgana and his sidekick Sancho Panther (who isn’t a Thundercat on litlit grounds) try looking for the Wholly Grail which is a book by Greil Marcus with traces of lipstick all over it and holes in.


A Schrodinger parabox is a readymade piece of artwork made by the German artist Marcel Duchampian.  Inside it is a grandmother dressed as a cat with a wanted poster on its tummy.  The cat wears a wanted poster on its tummy because it comes from Wantage.  On the front of the poster there is a picture of the cat and the words “Wantage – Deed or A Lion”.


This is a picture of a mandrill. That means it is a picture of a drill made by a man. http://pixdaus.com/pics/12469278557kX31a8.jpg

Higgs’s Bassoon is the name of an instrument in the Intergalactic Orchestra of the Age of Enlightenment.  Inside it is a Schrodinger parabox.  Inside the Schrodinger parabox is a Wantage cat.  Inside the Wantage cat in the Schrodinger parabox is Wittgenstein’s beetle.  Inside Wittgenstein’s beetle is Franz Kafka after he stopped believing in Gregor Sancho Panza and converted to become a Lilliputian.  Inside Franz Kafka is Higgs’s baboon.  Inside Higgs’s baboon is Higgs’s basin.  Inside Higgs’s basin is the boatswain who says the first line in “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare.  Inside the boatswain is Jonah Ark reading “Moby Dick”.  Inside the copy of “Moby Dick” is a film-within-a-book called “Melville Rendez-Vous”.  Inside “Melville Rendez-Vous” is a game of charades played by the entire cast of Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol”.  It’s quite a boring game of charades, though, because it only ever involves the clue “Dog” which is the name of the ominiscient, omnipresent, all-loving astral constellation that created the universe in the Big Bang, which happened in the London stock market in the Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Fahrenheits and also included a very nice firework display indeed one Guy Forks Night in the small village of Anglorum Minimum in Anglorum Minorum, which is in the astral constellation Grand Forks, North Dakota.  We all had a lovely bonbonfire, which is where you put sweets and chocolates on a bonfire and remember a man called Guy Forks who used to play the spoons and once jumped over the moon.

“Higgs’s Bassoon” is a film-within-a-film inside “The Odder Sea” and the soundtrack is by Moby made on a beach next to a beached whale who was fortunately put back into the sea ten minutes later.  If it doesn’t lead to litlit, Moby is next to Charlton Athletic Heston, who is acting in a film called “Planet of the Grapes” which is about an underground group of frmentors in Prohibition era Doshington DC who are trying to turn all the alcohol in the world into grapes because all the grapes in the world have been replaced with junctions of spaghetti by the British Broadcasting Crop-Rotation.  The British Broadcasting Crop-Rotation is an evil cabal of beavers run by its head beaver, Marco Thompson Twins, who eats Polo mints in his Goldfinger cave as he plans his next takeover of the world through the sale of takeaway food.   All of the takeaway food the BBSea sells is spacefood, comes in paraboxes, and pretends to be something it isn’t when all along it is just spaghetti harvested from spaghetti trees.  The hero opposing the BBSea is James Poundage and he has to save the world by hunting down all the BBSea spacefood and recycling it into cabbages so that the Walrus and the Carpenter can finally have something to eat.  Because he is such a sterling chap, he does this by inflitrating the BBSea with brilliant programmes like “Sterling Cooper” by the channel Haribo whose headquarters are in the city of Haribo-by-Mole.  The Carpenter might be Harrison Ford.  And might be something to do with J.D.Salinger.  You’ll have to see the film “Higgs’s Bassoon” to find out.  It costs 500 Hadrons for a ticket at the Halcyon Cinema.  In Denmark, the film is known as ‘Hyyge’s Bison” and it was called this in the Danish version because the only things living in Denmark are a Lego man called Den, a Lego man called Mark, King Cnut trying to tell the sea not to become the BBC, a clown called Kloutenhaven, a wolf that doesn’t like wearing clothes in public whose name is Bare Wolf, and some bison.  Who play bassoons.  In basins.  On top of bass clefs.  Whilst jumping over the moon.  Disguised as pigs so that the International Cabal of Beavers (ICB) running Denmarket can pretend to the world that their only export is pigs when actually it’s bison.    And Lego.  And pictures of Lego men jumping over the moon.  Made of cheese.  Wrapped inside Danish pastries.  By 49 cent rappers.  Using Christmas wrapping paper.

A picture of Sensen Sensensenさん drawn by Chen Junde (陈钧德). http://hengartland.com/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=241&Itemid=242

The Denmarket is part of an astral constellation called the Minnesota Vikings.  All the Danes have a surname that ends in ‘sen’ because they are named after Vi-King Hans Christian Andersen who lives with his wife Sensen Sensensen (who is a Little Mermaid) in Copinghagen which is the capital city where everybody is a psychoanalyst helping the world to cope and get better.  Some people think that the ‘sen’ at the end of their names is a mistranslation from the Japanese honorific suffix ‘san’ but this is a scarlet herring.  They all have ‘sen’ at the end of their names so that they can get together with all the icecubes and sugarcubes who live in Iceland whose surnames all end in ‘dottir’ because they are named after Queen Bjork Geomundsdottir.  She is called that because she is named after a geography textbook.   When a Dansky and an Icy make new storks, their new storks are therefore called ‘sendottirs’ and are then instantly picked up to train as a potential Minnesota Viking.  When a letter sent to Denmarket or Iceland Lettuce goes missing, a post office mole can write “Return to Sendottir” on it.  The chief of the post office moles is Peach Postlewait.  He is the patron saint of waiting patiently and he inspires people such as Matthew Amadeus Devereux to wait very patiently for book deals and for Hollywood to call him on his telemachus without ever once getting frustrated or having a tantrum like a toddler wanting an ice-cream which is great for all the people living in close proximity to Matthew Amadeus Devereux who therefore have a peaceful and peachful life.

The Danes solved the problem of the God particle in the eleventh century by creating the word ‘Hygge’ which, along with their bison, is the Hygge-bison passed participle indefinite article particle.  Unfortunately the rest of the world didn’t notice.  They didn’t even when I told the rest of the world that we’d discovered the Haggle-beauson because I had heard Claire Danes say the words ‘Hygge-bison’ on a balcony when I had my so-called life at Oxford Looniversity and was roaming around aimlessly one moonlit seranade when unfortunately the strings on my sitar were broken because I sat on them which meant that Claire Danes couldn’t hear me singing to her.  If my sitar hadn’t been broken, maybe I might have cyrano’d my way up Claire Danes’s drainpipe, which could have meant I’d have been in the International Celebrity Aristocracy (ICA) ten years ago and wouldn’t have had to bother writing this satire to get into it now and could instead be spending all my time thrumming my sitar with Claire Danes in Malibu.  Drinking Malibu.  Whilst listening to Hole playing “Malibu”.  On my sitar.  Whilst I smoked a cigar.  And wished upon a star.


Mike ‘Controller’ Skinner works in the Wantage cat skinning trade until one day he visits the vegan kebab van in Los Angelinas and decides to become a vegemite (which is a mite that lives inside a vegetable).  After that he moves from Birmingham, Alabama, which is where he grew up, and goes and permanently lives in the city of Where The Streets Have No Name.  The city is run by its mayor, Humpy Dumpy, who doesn’t believe in words or names and so banned them, which makes life easier for everyone living there.  The city of Where The Streets Have No Name is in the village of Celebration which is the hamlet of Celeb-Nation.  This is where the International Celebrity Aristocracy (the ICA) live inside a giant Pall-mall along with the Prince of Denmark who is a cigar that isn’t sure whether it exists or not because it’s inside a Schrodinger parabola.  As a result of it not being sure whether to end its soliloquies and solitude and marry Awfulia, the cigar is not sure whether to transform into Morton Feldman’s composition “The King of Denmark” or whether to abdicate because it has got a stammer and fell in love with Jennifer Ehle when she was in “The Camomile Lawn” and Stuart Macaroni’s “Pulitzer Prize and Prejudge Judy” which was written in Austen, Texas Instruments, which is a city in the metropolis of Chortle, Hampshire, in the continent of Erasure in the continental shelf of Eraserhead.  Judge Judy’s jury is Albrecht Durer.  For a sixteenth century painter he is remarkably durable.



Aston Vanilla FC is the name of a footfall team in Birmingham, Alabama.  Footfall is a game where people loose their footing and fall down Alice cheesewormholes and end up in Sunderland.  When a player falls down he gets a yardbird in his yardstick which leads to a yarddown followed by a field girl.   If enough players fall down, they get to have a Palace in Sunderland.  The game is played with a Wikispeedball.

The popular film actor Tom Hanks is an avid Aston Vanilla supporter.  This is because if you remove the ‘om’ from his name he becomes Thanks.

The great rivals of Aston Vanilla FC are the Green Day Packers.  Every year they compete for the SuperBoules.  The prize is then awarded to the winning team by Thomas the Petanque Engine.

Sunderland is a big city in Anglorum Minorum where they make massive ships called junks that sail in Fragrant Harbour.   When they aren’t making ships, the Sunderlandonians watch “Britain’s Got Tauons”, which is a physics-based entertainment programme on the Tell-A-Version hoteled by Helen Arney (tauons are little particles who are the younger brothers of neutrinos, which are ice cubes found in the Antarctic, which is the area of the Arctic where the ants live).   Behind her on a massive plasma screen Bryan Talbot draws pictionaries of tauons. Bryan Talbot is a type of fish called a turbot.  In his home he has a pet robot which is very tall called Tall Bot.  It does his vacuum cleaning and cleans his dishes so he can concentrate on drawing and writing.


Woody Alien is a film director who directed popular films such as “Alien Nation”, “Parental Alienation”, “Parental Alienation 2”, “Parental Alienation 3”, “The Alienation Effect” and “Alienation in Property Law” which were all paraboxically more popular in the constellation of Europa (where there is a permanent bull market in Woody Alien films) than in his own native Anglorum Majorum.  This might have something to do with the amount of marjoram people put into their meals in Anglorum Majorum.  Or it might have something to do with a vast underground network of beavers in Zeus, Virginia, who don’t like the character of Queen Virginia who is the Queen of Elizabethiana and is played by Cate Blank-Cheque who features as the heroine in every Woody Alien flick.  Or it might have something to do with the fact that ‘Majorum’ rhymes with ‘quorum’.   A quorum is the collective noun for the quadrillion units of currency baskets that each Woody Alien film makes upon release from incarceration in his studios.

The soundtrack to half of all Woody Alien films is made by SuperSonic the Hedgehog which is a computer character created by the Oasisters.  The soundtrack for the other half is made by an enormous musical orb that floats in the Milky Curds and Whey called a Tracerprod.   The frequency of the compositions of the Tracerprod are measured in Keiths which are halfway between Kelvins on one side of the barometer and Klouts on the other.


A currency basket is a basket made out of currency that floats downstream with the Coldplay song “Moses” inside it.  It is often seen in the film “Moses” starring Charlton Athletic Heston when the director Cecil B. De Hermann Melville is watching the rushes and thinking excitedly about the cinematic bull market that awaits him.

When it is floating downstream, a currency basket is pegged to a floating exchange rate.  When a floating exchange rate fancies a night out it gets its glow sticks and goes to a floating exchange rave.


A cock and bull market is a market that has been forced into irrational exuberance through animals drinking spirits and then going and buying tin or zinc on the Commodus exchange.  This often happens when a Will Self novel is released to a market of people who have all just drunk a pint of Tristram Shandy.

A cock and bull market can lead to ludicrous things happening, such as a Jamie Olivier Award being given to Matthew Amadeus Devereux for his screenplay about Oliver Hardy getting lost inside a timespazz and then living happily ever after in “Olie”, a novel written by LMM otherwise known as Luciana Morales Mendoza.  At the awards ceremony for his Olivier, Matthew Amadeus Devereux is very likely to Winslet.

39 and a halfpenny) A WINSLET

A Winslet occurs when the tears are abducted out of one’s tear ducts, usually at an award ceremony.  The only possible solution (as far as I can gather) is to gather oneself together, get on one’s hands and knees, gather the tears up, and gather them back in one’s yolks.  Then one must tell a quick joke and hope nobody noticed.  A joke about the burdens of Eric Burden and the Egg-men usually does the trick.  Particularly if you are drinking Lennonade at the time.

Synonym: Schrodinger’s Kate.

Anthony and Nim:  “Gather ye Rosebuds by any other name while ye Maypole” – Citizen Sugar-Kane, the Bishop of Bath and Orson Welles

Not to be confused or confess’d with a WIN-SLIT, which is what happens when somebody wins some Fedora out of the slit or slat of a slot machine.

39 and six eighths of a piece of eight) CHECKONOVAKIA

Checkonovakia is a Queendom ruled by Queen Kim Novak who is a Queen of the Night because she holds all her courtly meetings and masques at night.  It is next to a country called Agri-Pina Collider which is ruled by an Emperor called Nero who is dictatorial and bans dubstep and feeds dubsteppers to the lions (which fails, because lions are fans of dubstep).   He also plays fiddlesticks while the rainforests burn (except they don’t, because the internet trolls he sends out to burn the rainforests get drunk on moonshine and get magic carpeted off to Ouchby-de-la-Zouche and leave their methods of kindling fire in the rain thus leading to the avoidance of Rainforestageddon).  Nero usurped the throne of Agri-Pina Collider when he overthrow the more benign ruler President Wardrobe Wilson who made sure that laws weren’t passed that meant the people would have their Turkish delight taken away from them.  Nero’s control is, however, being constantly chipped away at by dubstep writers who take the energy and essence of dubstep and translate it into beautiful novels, plays and poems that make the people forget Nero and fall in love with each other instead.

In Checkonovakia the main foodstuff is the Darren Aaronofsky pie and biscuits called the Mary Ann Chocolate Hobbsnobs which are all made in a place called Chef-field which is also known as the Pittsburgh Steel City.  The main animal is the black swan which was eulogised in a famous poem by Karl Popper.   In the rivers the main fish are the Julian Breams and they sing enchanted songs to each other on lutes and on Mozartian Magic Flutes as mating calls.   On the rivers there are ships called the ‘Portman Out Starboard Homes’ or poshes.  The poshes carry spices into Checkonovakia which are then exchanged for Karl Popper poems, the synthesisers made in the massive factory of a crazed synthesiser genius called Richard Atkinsoft, and recodings of Julian Bream chansons d’amour which together are the major exports of Checkonovakia along with the oil paintings made by Queen Kim Novak using all the colours in the world apart from International Klein Blue which she keeps for her own personal private IKB paintings she never shows the world.  When a Checkonovakian gets depressed, which means that they are receiving an emotional signal that they need to rethink a chess move they are considering, they go off to the special psychoanalyst palace to read a book by Melanie Klein or watch a Hitchcock film on a nice comfortable couch and be served delicious tea and muffins and they then emerge healed and with a significantly better chess move worked out in their minds.

All the people in Checkonovakia wear amazing masks like this video of Vivaldi in Venice.  Some people say they do this because somebody once confused the word ‘Vivaldi’ with the word ‘vivacity’.  Others say they do it just for kicks.  Either way, everybody plays chess all day long with massive chess pieces called Brobdingwingdingnags (they are named after the famous font).  At one point Gullible ends up there (after having escaped from Agri-Pinna Collider by using a picture of Jennifer Ehle being Calypso as a Perseus shield to blind the guards who had imprisoned him) and watches chess games between players such as Jack Black, Cilla Black, a Penny Black stamp, a Degrassi Next Generation time travel car, Priscilla White, Jack White, Portia White (the famous merchant from Venice Beach) and Wes White, the King of all the libraries in Anglorum Minorum who saves the world by making sure none of the libraries ever close which would lead to a collapse in the Global Culture Quotient.

When a player wins a game, they have to shout “Janacheckmate!” and then an orchestra performs a composition by Janacek.  The currency in Checkonovakia is the I.Bianco, which are coins made out of chocolate that are white on one side and black on the other.  The nickname of the I.Bianco amongst the people of Checkonovakia, who live in wigwams, is the ‘yinyang’ and since they are a happy people they tend to slightly over-spend on chess equipment, books, and videos but the bonking system of Checkonovakia is very fair and people are given a reasonable margin of time within which to pay back the debts they accrue from their chess addictions.  Whenever they get a new bit of chess kit, they shout out “Yippee serendipity!  Yippee spaghetti serenade serengeti!”   They are allowed to slightly overindulge on cerebral stimulation (but only slightly) because the people running the bonks trust the people they lend I.Biancos to.  This is because the people running the bonks also live in wigwams and don’t live too far away from the level of the common people.  The head of the Checkonovakian bonking system is Jarvis Cocker and the biggest bonk is called Pulp Fiction.

When a player has won 1001 games they get to go and live in Bohemia which is in Greenwich Village, New Yorican, in the astral constellation of Greenwich Meantime, and drink a glass of sherry inside a small fortification made to reduce the likelihood of a hazard.  They then live a Bohemian life involving an awful lot of jazz music.

39 yard Touchdown on Countdown) NEW YORICAN

She-Wolf from Gladiators. Her name is She-Ra. She plays the clavier in the Sun Ra Arkestra and everybody goes totally lupus when they hear her.

New Yorican, also known as the Bapple, is a giant apple made out of apps and is the sister of York, which is the capital city of England, which is a giant peach and is ruled by its King, Thom Yorke, who has a radio instead of a head.  His radio is constantly tuned to the best radio station in the country which is Radio Wey in Surrey which is named after the River Wu-Wei which runs through the conurbation of GoldenFord and the land of the Woks, Woking.   Inside the giant peach is the band James and York’s superhero name is Big Grapple because Tim Roth lives there with a massive collection of grapes.

New Yorican is in a square made out of relativity theory which was a theory created by Prince Albert Winestein (whose brothers are Prince Albert and the film director Sergei Wisenstein) who lives in the middle of a housing development called The United Flats of Armorica, which is so named because ‘Amorica’ is ancient Roman for ‘love’ (its gerund, ‘Amoricatoribus’, is a love bus, and this is what greyhounds use when they want to travel across the United Flatlands).  All the people in the flats spend all day kissing the people they love and eating ambrosia and rice pudding and listening to Edith Wharton and Nella Larsen reading stories to them on the Jackanory channel on the Telemachus.  They also spend a ludicrous amount of their time inside a massive fifteen dimensional boardgame called Harlem Renaissance.  In the rest of their time they watch a lot of The Skype At Night presented by Patrick Moore-Almanac who discusses the interrelationship of astrology and astronomy in the constellation Isaac Newton by talking to Isaac Newton live via a webtelemachus.  They are able to spend so much of their time enjoying themselves because they all have robots to do their chores for them.  These robots are called Titus Androidicuses.

New Yorican is in the species Cosmopolis inside the genus Gotham inside the Venn diagram Technopolis under the mulberry bush marked Buzzopolis.  It was invented by Piet Mondrian and his younger brother Peers Morgan (who is part of Brighton pier) and they created it using boogie woogie out of the mouth of a she-wolf.   New Yorican was immortalised in a song called “Yorktown Yorktown” by Frank Cinematra.   He was a famous Singer sewing machine who lived in Sumatra.

The currency in New Yorican is the J.McNulty.  Its nickname, which is a translation from Persian, is the greenbacchus.  It is the world reverse currency which means it goes backwards on a sushi conveyor belt.

To get into New Yorican, you have to pay a special toll which is one hundred J.McNulties.  You do this by posting a bill through the gates into the treasury.  But you have to do it softly through a microphone called a micro.

The translation of ‘New Yorican’ into English is ‘Brixton’.  This is a town made out of bricks in the middle of the state of Arkanoid (アルカノイド) which is where President George Clinton came from.  All of the ‘la roux’ sauces in the world are made in Brixton by the chef Albert Roux and his son Five Michelin Stars.

New Yorican is a very popular metropole around the world because its Tourist Information Centre, which is the tallest building in the city (and is just next to the Toastbusters Headquarters), is run by Fritz Lang and all music for the promotional films are made by Nu Yorican Soul in conjunction with the Beastie Boys who spend all their time running around the five boroughs of the city listening to the people and picking up good ideas for the films.  New Yorican was also the first metropolis in the world to have flying cars, which we were all told about in TV programmes about the future in the 1950s and 1960s.  It has a couple of flying carpets too, on which Marc Chagall and his wife fly about doing sketches of the city.  Some say that Los Angelinas got flying cars at precisely the same moment, in a Newton-Leibniz scenario, and the flying cars in Los Angelinas are known as Flying Lotuses.  They are called this because they are named after a Nabokov novel.

New Yorican is on the Hudson River.  Where all the beavers have Hudson Mohawkes.  And are therefore called Hudson Ravers.

39 and some steps) ZOO LOO

“Zoo Loo” is a sketch-within-a-film showing constantly on the Tell-a-Version inside Queen Kim Novak’s yoghurt shed in Checkonovakia.  It stars the cast of “Zoolander” attending a fantasy dress party as Citizen Michael Kane camouflaged as Albert Camus in disguise as Orson Welles doing an act as Robert Lindsay dressed up as Citizen Smith eating a vindaloo outside a bus station in Tooting which is a town inside the music of Beck.    In Zoo Loo some people throw Shakespeares at a public convenience quite a lot and then go home because they are inconveniencing the public so much.  It stars Willy Shakespeare’s wife Anne Hathaway as Anne Hathaway as Willy Shakespeare in disguise as a Wantage catwoman playing a Viola as part of the Intergalactic Orchestra of the Age of the Beastie Boys.  The soundtrack is “Greenlander” by Pavement which is the word for sidewalk in Anglorum Marjorie.


“Tess of the Durberhounderbasketvilles” is a 24-frames-within-an-episode-of-24 which involves Tess, who is a hardy worker for the Russian news agency Tass, undergoing a merger and acquisition on the CultureBourse with the hounds of the baskervilles, the font Baskerville, a basket, a basketcase, a basketball, a basket of currencies and a basilisk.  The result is DNAaggeddon which leads to a crick in the neck of Sherlock’s dog Watson, who features in the book “The Curious Incident of the Mark Hadron dressed up as a knight of the South Bronx.”

39.9 recurring to infinity) THE TALE OF THE TUBE

“The Tale of the Tube” is a contemporary satire written by the Lunar Clown of Jonathan Swift as a present to the 21st century.   It is all about the adventures of Donna Quixote and Sanchita Pandora on a tube train and it is very, very, very long, longer than all the copies of all the translations of “Don Quixote” stretched back to back which, in total, reach at least as far as the planet Makemake.

It is very very complicated and has lots of difficult allusions and references but since the Global Culture Quotient is now so high because of the Prof-Isles nobody has any problem at all in understanding it.  This is even despite the fact that it is in a language called Friendlish which is only spoken in the country of French Stick Insect.   It is very popular at YouTub where it has about 222.5 million sestertiis a day and where it has a constantly rising Excelsius.  “Tale of the Tube” translated into Friendlish is “saint agne SNCF” which is named after St.Anne’s college, Oxford Looniversity.

Wrapped inside the “Tale of the Tube” is a copy of the film “Labyrinth” starring David Ziggy and inside the boxset of that film is a ziggurat and inside the ziggurat is Theseus and her husband Harry Adonis who are doing a Minor Tour of Europe (they couldn’t afford a Grand One) and when they get back they look at the photographs and realise that their favourite bit of the tour was  Martha Graham dancing and dressed up as maize.

Because Graham Swift is the nephew of Jonathan Swift, “The Tale of the Tube” was originally transmitted in a subliminal message in Graham Swift’s novel “Last Orders” but very few people consciously understood it at the time as the GCQ was quite low at the time.

39.9 recurring to infinity + 1)  TO TITMUSS

To Titmuss is to build an abbey as beautiful as all the Gothic cathedrals in Europe combined.  This is usually done in Nunneaton or Diss and is usually done by packets of Chris in Morris Minors.  Nunneaton is the famous public boarding school where the chess player John Nunn lives inside a shoebox inside an old boot inside a broom cupboard.

39.9 recurring to infinity + 2) ALICE IN WONDERFUL

“Alice in Wonderful” is a film about a young woman called Alice who lives next door to Wim Wenders and wears Alice bands.  One days she discovers this website by accidentally clicking on a picture of an elixir marked CLICK ME, and then falls down a hole into a part of “Baron Devereux” which turns out to be a biopic of Jan Švankmajer and a discussion of the historical concept of the bohemian in art and culture and its relationship to Bohemia.  It also features Milan Kundera dressed up as the city of Milan.  The scene obviously ends when somebody says “Czech mate!”


Chaos Theory Bonking (CTB) is a new kind of banking I have just created with my new bonk, Butterfly.  Basically when somebody puts some money into their account in my bonk, a butterfly then flaps its wings, and that money magically ponzi’s inside my own personal account which is top secret and cannot ever be accessed by anyone at all.  I have seen a 497,027,112% rise in the number of sun loungers in my palace this year which proves that CTB is a fantastic success.

SAN FRANCISCO 49.5) PAYMAN Payman is a computer game with a character called Payman who is like Pacman except he eats international currency units rather than ghosts.   Baron Devereux Computer Games Inc. will therefore be marketing this as an educational tool to help kids learn about global finance when really we’re actually marketing it to students and people in their 20s, 30s and 40s (and older) who would prefer to lounge about all day playing computer games than deal with the adult world.

39.9 this really is it now)  A LOLLAGEDDON

This is a picture of me when I became King of BaronDevereuxia. It is by Patty Kennedy in Ace Ventura, California.  She is a pet detective as well as an artist as well as making the best patties outside of Brixton, Arcadia (Lower Stoppard).  In the background you can see a palm tree spurting out organic vegetable oil, which is what we power our wind turbines with in BaronDevereuxia.  It is a litho, which is a type of lilo that only exists in Califorkia.  Now I live in Malibu-by-Hole in the Kingdom of BaronDevereuxia I spend all my time lying on this lilo in the sunshine drinking fizzy pop and getting painted in ‘warts and all’ portraits by Patty Kennedy.  She is now my official court paintress and she does a lovely job on the walls of the palace.  She does a brilliant job of painting my Achilees heels which is important for a King because it reminds me that I’m just a cabbage like everybody else after all and that means that I keep my sense of humour which means I don’t try to pass any laws to take all the jam tarts away from the people who live in the hotel in BaronDevereuxia or try to steal the jam tarts from other Kings in neighbouring Kingships which would be unfair – and that’s why she wrote “Dealing War” at the bottom left to remind me to sublimate my bellicosity and aggression into peaceful and fun things like card games with my mates (where I don’t really care if I lose frankly, because they’re my mates) instead of trying to take other people’s jam tarts all the time.  Because I’m the King of BaronDevereuxia I’m never short of jam tarts anyway so there’s no need to take other people’s because then my tummy might get poorly.   The official court poet is John Skelton and he writes poetry in the language of Spinal Tap inviting talented people from all around the world to come and lie on a litho and have a nice soothing glass of physics.  Excitingly, we now have the poet Philip Sid-Knee in our court hotel and he has just started work on a major new defence of poetry, poesy, ponies and peonies.  I am reading the first stanza now over a jolly nice pina colada under a pine tree in which there are a palindrome of pine martens.   A ‘palindrome’ is the collective noun for pine martens and it was invented by Michael Palin one day when he was bodgering and badgering about being all Eric Idle at Idelwild Airport, which is where the stork brought Patty Kennedy to her parents, Mr. and Mrs. De Beauvoir.

A lollageddon is when an enormous number of lolfests and lolgasms coincide.   A lollageddon is particularly enjoyable when partaken of in conjunction with a lollipop.  With a nice little bit of lolly in the bonk.

Example: “I had a lollageddon when I found out that the film Baron Devereux smashed all box office records in history because I was one of the seven zillion squillion trillion billion quadrillion googleplex people on the planet who didn’t think it was going to get made in the first place”.

Subsiditarian example: “I lollageddon’d when I saw Baron Devereux think he had finally made it to a massive field of diamonds but, at the end of Baron Devereux, it turned out that he’d read the treasure map incorrectly and the De Beers diamond field he thought he was in was actually the DA BEARS stadium of the Chicago Bears where the entire team and crowd of the Chicago Bears was furiously awaiting his entry because they’d mistakenly heard through Chinese whispers on the grapevine that he had repeatedly diss’d and cuss’d and dissonanc’d the Bears when in fact what he’d actually tried to say was that the Bears are his favourite US footfall team but of course in Britanno-English favourite has an ‘o’ and in Americano-English, which is a type of coffee, it doesn’t, and also because in Britanno-English a bear market is a bull market, which was what led to the misunderstandingageddon.”

This leads to the final script direction of the film which is:


Note: the opposite of a lollageddon is a FEARGASMATRON.  This is when somebody in the mainstream media tells us how terrifying the world is and how there are enemies all around the world that we should be frightened of in an explosion of witless and ill-informed xenophobia.  Feargasmatrons, like unicorns made out of cottage cheese who speak a dialect of Old Norse, do not actually have any basis in reality whatsoever, and should be completely and utterly ignored as a result.


A Lee Haslam is a Babbage situation where a writer such as Matthew Amadeus Devereux (Baron, Third Class, Honours like Jimmy Conners) has suddenly realised that he’s finished writing his online portfolio after years and years of comedic errors and puts his quill back in its inkhouse whilst listening to “Checkmate” by Lee Haslam at the same time.  He then decides to go and travel to Waterloo station and go and eat rye bread and French sticks on platform 13b and check his KarmaKlout on his iScore.

iScore therefore iJam, as Rene A La Carte put it.

Please be aware that every single syllable of the above is completely and totally true.

Or as J.Fatima Martins put it:

“I can’t write fiction because I’m not fictional – Me”.

I, Matthew Amadeus Devereux, am not fictional – Me either.

In fact, I don’t think anybody is fictional – Me.

Apart from the character fictional – Me in the film “BARON DEVEREUX”, who is secretly the Scarlet Pimple-Nickle, but don’t tell anyone that or it will spoil the film and give away the ending, which involves the Scarlet Pimple-Nickle falling down an Alice cheesewormhole and ending up living happily ever after inside a Pascoe breadcrumb.  So make sure you don’t tell anybody about the Alice cheesewormhole or the Pascoe breadcrumb and I won’t tell anybody either.   And don’t tell anyone the soundtrack is by Fern Oxley (because I haven’t told her yet and there is no royalty package yet on the table) and don’t tell anyone that Fern Oxley is Fern Britain in disguise who isn’t Fern Britton in disguise.   And don’t tell anyone about the new 84 quadrillion dimensional boardgame called the Shengi that Fern Oxley has just invented.  And don’t tell anyone at all, ever – particularly not any of that evil cabal of Kabbalah junkies called The International Conspiracy of Literary Critics, Beaverklouts and Madonnas – that this is all just a freeform English translation of Ovid’s “Metamorphoses” (starring a jester called Quintus Caecilius Jocundus) which was actually just a hoax all along, it was never a Roman poem but was, instead, always a Japanese animated film called 星のオルフェウス.

And, finally – please do not tell a single soul, either currently living, or once living or once to be living (but hosepiped through a cheeseworm) that all of this is just a silly cock and ballare story to achieve my lifelong ambition – to have a North Dakota sewage pumping station named “Matthew Amadeus Devereux”.  Because if you did tell somebody, then it might happen, thus fulfilling my lifelong ambition.  And then, because it’s cold in the lands of the Dakotons, I’ll have to remember to put my coat on when I go and lay the laurel wreaths on the pump action, which is far, far too much for one man and his dog to organic.

And then after that, what would I do?  Lie about like a lion on my $222.5 moi moi sun-lounger on Malibu beach drinking Malibu listening to Hole playing “Malibu” and looking at a photo of my North Dakota Oak Trio on my iSocialNetwok?

So don’t whisper to anyklout, not even a Chinese horse whisper to a hvisle in a thistle.  And perhaps most important of all, make sure you don’t ever ever ever ever ever mention – not even to an attractive woman, man or manwoman at a bus-stop you’re trying to chatupski like Kutski – don’t mention that the logo above is the logo of a subterranean group called the A* Team (who all got straight A* grades in their GCSE exams) who are trying to secretly raise the Global Culture Quotient by making loads of films and then uploading them at YouTubularBells all of which will be films-within-films in “Baron Devereux”.  It’s top secret and it’s hush-hush.  So for the love of Dog, don’t ever blow the whistle and nudge nudge TO ANYBODY, no matter how much lunar cheese they have in their eyes, that the secret group are called THE TWELVE ZYGOTIC MONKEYS OF GORKY’S MAXIMS.    And don’t mention that the logo shows the polar bear, who represents the open culture of web 2.0, peacefully overcoming the monopolistic corporaticons run by crazed cabal beavers who are trying to take over the entire world by leveraging all its levers and deleting all the copies of all the Terry Gilliam films ever made and that the group is going to save the world through the use of a Terry Gilliam film that is about to take over the entire world.  Don’t mention any of it.  And since the Myncis are Welsh like Jimmy Wikispeedia, then obviously the password to the group is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, but once again, don’t just go badgering and beavering that round to all and sundry but keep it completely under your Fedora.

Because if you mentioned any of that then the game would be up!



Love from Slumdog Mio Mio.  I’m off to count the bunions on my boils on my boyle on my boson on my bison on my bassoon on my bass sub-woofers with my dog Dog who didn’t bark in the curious incident of the Mark Hadron in the nicetime because he isn’t really a dog, he’s a catfish.  Eating Nice biscuits.  In Nice.  With Bruce Forsyth and his bonking bonus.  Nice to sea you, to sea you nice, as Irish Murdoch put it.

I hope that this has done enough to get me into the literary canon.  From which I wish to be blasted into the Sun Ra Arkestra with immediate effect.

And, at the risk of tempting Fate to eat an after-eight, I hope there is enough punnery and funnery to lead to a nice happy sending.  Then we can all get webbed feet, invite each other to each other’s webbings, and drink lots of nice tasty honeymoonshine.

Goodnight V for Wienerschnitzels, cabbages and kings.  From a simple cabbage farmer.

The cabbage farmer’s final request is that when the credits of the film roll, the song playing is the result of a specially organised collaboration between Edward de Maya and  Ricardo del Naja at Cafe del Mar studios.  Ideally a song called “Massive Attractive Veil of Maya Paradise Circuit” which is about how when we see a table in front of us, that’s because there’s a table in front of us, and when we see a Van Gogh chair in front of us, that’s because we just went to a dinner party at the house of the dentist of the Beatles in the 1960s and drank a block of Aldous Huxley lunar cheese on toast that he’d Spike Millgan’d our drink with WITHOUT TELLING US FIRST and then we’d accidentally blundered through the doors of perception into William Blake’s drawing room one rainy afternoon  in south London in 1797 and after that, frankly, we never looked back.